Friday, February 22, 2008

Feelin' the Love

It's been a week since Valentine's Day, but I always have something to say about it because I think it's a complete bullshit holiday. And, no, I don't blame it on my single status. In fact I think it might be worse when you're in a relationship, especially a new relationship. You feel obligated to get that person a gift, then, in turn you're showered with tacky teddy bears holding hearts, thoughtless roses and other choice trashcan-ready trinkets that looked good on the shelf in the store with the other pink and red crap. I'll take some chocolate though.
Perhaps I'm just not the romantic type. Actually I KNOW I'm not the romantic type. I just want things to be real and not forced. I mean:
Flowers every once in awhile - cool, going out to dinner from time to time - good, a well placed and truthful compliment here and there - great. But:
Gifts that are disgustingly cliche (a.k.a. stuffed animals) - vomit, whispering sweet nothings into my ear by candlelight - I'm going to laugh loudly at you, making me the topic of bad poetry - I will most likely leave. (I haven't decided if it's OK to make me the topic of good poetry yet...)
A designated day to be a completely fake, sappy retard is not my idea of romance anyway. Why can't we all just be in tune with the personalities of our significant others all the time then act accordingly instead of getting carried away with the meaningless shit that February 14th brings?
However, the big V-Day does bring back some interesting memories...
* In first grade, my friend Mina and I planned out a little scheme to show our little "boyfriends" some "love." We went up to our "boyfriends" at the same time on the playground armed with some candy conversation hearts. When I got my boyfriend's attention, I practically hurled the candy into his face while screeching "BE MINE!" turned and ran away as fast as I could. How's that for romance?
* In fourth grade, Valentine's Day was all about the little cards and candy and love was the furthest thing from our minds. All we knew was that we got to make a Valentine holder out of a shoe box then see which kid in class handed out the best candy when we searched through all the cards. That year I looked through my cards as usual and got a huge, unwanted surprise when I opened one of the cards and saw in big red letters "LARA, I LOVE YOU! LOVE, James." Ewwwww, gross...
* My sophomore year in college we decided that all of us single people - or in my case, those with boyfriends who lived halfway across the country - should get together and drink. That sounds about right for college. The case race was called "Heartaches and Handcuffs," we made shirts with nicknames on the back along with the saying, "Cause nothing cures a heartache like a case of beer." We had a guy and a girl handcuff themselves to each other and the first couple to finish their case of beer, without puking of course, won. Guess who won? That's right. I'm the fuck-Valentine's-Day-case-race champion 2003. My shirt nickname was "The Body" because some stupid frat boy I took to a date party earlier that year said my body overshadowed my face (I'm so not a but-her-face dammit!). After the race, we ended up heading to the fraternity house he happened to belong to (not to purposely run into him, but to see other friends there) and when he saw the shirt, he automatically put two and two together. I've never seen anybody put their foot in their mouth so fast. I still think he's a complete ass cheese and he knows it. Now that is some sweet shit.
* Last year, the boyfriend made reservations at a nice restaurant. I came home from worked completely strung out and stressed and in no mood to be out in public. When I began ironing my new blue silk shirt to wear, the iron pissed all over it and I pretty much lost any shred of patience I had left. Deciding that I had nothing else to wear, he cancelled the reservations without a protest and we ordered Papa John's, then sat on our asses in front of the TV with pizza and beer - best Valentine's Day ever...No, really, I'm serious.
This year I got pity from a Target employee. It was time to dye my hair, so I made a little stop to grab a few things. When I brought them to the express lane, the girl asked if I was doing anything special for Valentine's Day. I had plans with some of the girls, but at the risk of telling my life story to a complete stranger while others are waiting in line (nobody likes a douchebag), I just said, "No, it's just like any other day for me." Check out girl immediately followed my response with a deeply sympathetic, "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwww."
I'm like, don't fucking "awww" me bitch! I'm single and I think Valentine's Day is a joke regardless of my relationship status because I'm not a total dipshit ass hat - I don't have leprosy and I don't need to be insulted with pity. I wanted to stand up on her counter and announce to the rest of the store how much money I saved by not buying any of the lacy heart bullshit.
But, it's cool. I know my night turned out better than anybody who had to fake-it-up by candlelight because I was dancing and drinking to an '80s cover band, hanging out with some chicks I hardly ever get to see and meeting new people at McFadden's downtown - Best "singleton" Valentine's Day ever.
I hope you enjoyed your faux holiday as much as I did this year.

* Promptly after writing this last night, my computer freaked out and went all blue screen on me - which scares me because that's what it did right before my hard drive fried a few summers ago. Thank god it was saved as a draft. Then, about 3 a.m. I went into my bedroom to go to sleep and walked in to find a giant pile of dog puke right in the middle of my bed. After cussing profusely, ripping the sheets off the bed, attempting to clean the nastiness and cursing Drake's existence (I know it was him (the ex's yellow lab) and not Andy (my Jack Russell Terrier) because his paper towel eating habit was quite evident in the pile), I told Kory to scoot the hell over and Andy served as a barrier.

In other news, I haven't moved out yet, but since I've gotten back from Mexico, his attitude seems to have changed drastically. It's not that I think things can be worked out, but it would be ideal if we could come away from this thing as friends - or at least civil to one another. We'll see how long this "new" civil attitude lasts.
Looking for apartments I can afford will be a lot less depressing if I find a new job within the next couple of months. I just dropped my resume in the mail last night for an editor's position at UMKC. Hopefully I get a bite.

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