Just for the record, I don’t necessarily need a funny e-mail to cheer me up. I’ve also learned to self-soothe. I’d be pretty screwed if I didn’t figure out a way to occupy my time on my own to get over a miserably failed relationship and the fact that I’m almost 25-years-old and living with my parents. Oh, have I mentioned that before?
I’ve packed not only my schedule, but my mind as well and have done a few things that I’ve been putting off for one reason or another:
• New cell phone – Getting cell phone service in the shed in the middle of nowhere Kansas also known as my office has been out of the question for months and didn’t quite put that lack of service and the fact that my phone’s antennae broke off together. Funny how cell phones work better with that little knobby thing sticking out of the top of them (or since it’s been years since I’ve purchased a new cell phone, I learned at the Sprint Store that most are now internal – who knew?). Apparently if you drop your phone and the antennae goes *fing!* and flies off into the bushes by your front door, you should probably, like, go look for it or something. Or, I guess I could always just keep up with the times like a normal 20-something and get a new phone every couple of days, the new one having greater features than the previous one. If the previous one had Web access, the newer one would have Web access and serve you breakfast in bed. Then what? Would you insist that your next phone have all of the above capabilities and wipe your ass for you? I just don’t get it and nor can I bring myself to buy a new phone until important shit starts falling off of it. Perhaps I will become ridiculous like the rest of my generation one day, but until then, just expect me to carry my minimal Red Samsung (Wow, red! That’s about as fancy as I get – everybody together now – Oooo, Aaaahh) until it literally falls apart and don’t make fun of me when I can’t work your Blackberry.
• I’m booked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday — I’ve agreed to play on a sand volleyball team on Wednesday nights. Now, I’m not gonna lie — I’ll probably be the MVP — or the exact opposite. I’m a midget and I was definitely rejected from my eighth grade volleyball team, which means I haven’t even touched a volleyball since I was roughly 13-years-old. It’s quite possible that I might be the worst volleyball player ever, but I think it’s mostly just about the beer anyway, so the drunk asses probably won’t notice if I whiff like a retard 12 hundred times…
I’m keeping up with my kickboxing class at the gym on Tuesday nights also, which is the best workout besides dance I’ve ever had. And, I like the look people give me when I say I take a kickboxing class like I’m some kind of sparring, fierce, cage fighter that’s ready to roundhouse kick them to death. I’m like hello, it’s at 24-Hour Fitness – it’s a fucking aerobics class…But, I can still kick your ass.
Now, here’s the greatest activity of them all — salsa dancing on Thursday nights. I figure my dance background (and vodka) should make this feasible for me. Plus I’m only going for one reason anyway — to meet my future latin lover husband.
• Apartments make my brain hurt — Apartment hunting has literally brought me to tears and goddammit I just want to cry about it in peace, which is why I think I’ll try to take a stab at continuing the hunt on my own. My mom has sort of been my hunting buddy and while I appreciate the moral support, she’s constantly telling me to “just calm down.” I’m like, Mom, fuuuuuuuuck. I live in your house again. Aren’t you in the least bit concerned about that? I’m like a big bucket of hyperventilation about this whole, I’m almost 25, live with my parents and can’t find a place to live thing — and lets remember where I get this neuroticism.
• Friends…especially the male species — I’ve reconnected with more old friends and met more new people in the past couple of weeks than I have in the past two years. It’s ridiculous how you can become so engrossed in one person’s life that you completely forget about all that other stuff that made you happy before. I can now be friends and hang out with people of the opposite sex without somebody breathing down my neck, accusing me of sleeping with them or wanting to sleep with them. Insecurity is so not hot.
• Downsizing…or a least organisizing — Why is it that one person can accumulate so much shit? I throw away giant trash bags of useless crap every time I move, yet it magically reappears again. And, I have more clothes than anybody on earth besides maybe Paris Hilton, yet I never have anything to wear. It’s time to organize my life a bit.
• Who needs a vaca? — The plane tickets are already purchased for my birthday weekend in Denver with my ladies Kate and Lacey to visit our friend Whitney. A nice drunken, adventurous vacation with my favorite girls is the least I can do for myself after all this bullshit.
That's all I've got for now, but I'm sure I'll have more to add later.