Monday, May 26, 2008

Heaven and Hell...but mostly just Hell.

He is officially and without a doubt bat shit ass crazy and there's no other way to put it.
Saturday night, I gathered a few people to go try a club downtown called Seven. And, the best part about Seven you ask? The Seven Deadly Sins martinis — Pride, Greed, Envy — all that good shit and I probably had about seven of them then decided to explore the world outside of sin and down a couple of pomegranate drinks as well. Not only did I spend my life savings, my martini sloshed brain thought it to be a good idea to text batshitass crazy man with a single word: "Boo."
Why? WHY did I fucking do this? Because a few hours later as Lacey and I, the last two women standing, were stumbling up the street looking for a cab, *ring, ring* and it's batshitcrazy. It's just one of those things. I've been out of the house for more than two months and I haven't spoken to him for probably a month, so I've been having these thoughts. These thoughts that the past couple of days have proved to me are irrational. I'm thinking, he can't be this completely insane. He didn't mean those things he said to me, he feels guilty and horrible and remorseful and he wants to go to a therapist, so we can at least be friends. There's no way that he thinks that what he did was correct and now he's had some time to think about it, let it sink in and will apologize profusely to me.
Or the exact opposite...
I answer the phone and he's obviously just as shitfaced as I am...Never a good sign...and he sounds like he's at a bar or a party. The tone in his voice is oh-so familiar as well - just the way he would sound when he was on the defensive and fighting as irrationally and dirty as possible. I delve into the reasoning behind my text and in my drunken stupor I listen to his response - "the way you were acting, you deserved it."
Never in my life have I ever acted in such a way that somebody would say, "you're a stupid fucking cunt," then go online, send messages about how much of a crap ass I am to their ex, then solicit women for erotic photos and relationships online. That's like something out of a goddamn horror movie, no, worse, a soap opera and it happened to me. I still don't know what I did to make him feel like this. Oh wait, I did nothing, he's just BATSHITASSCRAZY!
When I tried to bring the conversation back to rational, he just hung up on me. And, while most men would be reading this and picture me nagging incessantly into the phone, that is just not it. It's like trying to reason with a 3-year-old, speaking softly, calmly, S-L-O-W-L-Y, but he continues to throw a temper tantrum. I've never felt so helpless and beside myself or frustrated than when I was trapped in an argument with him that he started about NOTHING after he switched on the crazy. I'd say that change happened in about July or August of last year and progressively got worse.
I sent a text message again just saying that I'd like to at least work some things out. He agreed to call me the next day. Then, Lacey and I found our way back to Kate and Sam's where I apparently created quote history with, "uh! Fuckinnnn' hoof covs (shoes)! Gonna vom...on your face!" I don't recall such intelligent banter, which probably explains why I woke up at noon the next day in one of the bedrooms, sweating my balls off, still in my dress and clutching my purse. At least I wasn't still wearing my shoes. The words, "It hurts to live," were used several times that day. Fuck you Seven Deadly Sins!
Well, he kept his promise and we played phone tag a bit that day before he finally caught me well after midnight. The tone in his voice was a bit different, but it still had that I'm-fucking-insane-and-I'm-unable-to-maintain-normal-relationships edge to it. And, he had been drinking, of course. He was at the lake with his alcoholic dumbass friend - and I'm not just saying that - he is actually certifiably an alcoholic dumbass. Anyway, we get to talking and eventually he brings up some event from several months ago where we were out with Sam, my best friend's boyfriend, and two of his friends. Batshitcrazy had to leave early because he had to get up and go to work early the next morning (a second job he took on Saturdays which I later found out was because he was trying to save up to buy a ring...I'm confused why he would want to marry me since I'm such a cunt and all...). I decided to stay out with the guys because they are completely plutonic. Batshitcrazy and I had even talked about it before we went out and he said he didn't care blah, blah, blah...then he was mad at me for three days...or apparently for eternity since he was bringing it up again.
After asking him what the problem was, he said, "you were hanging out with a bunch of guys!"
"And?" I respond.
"That's what little whores do." He said.
I could almost hear the get-in-the-kitchen twang in his voice.
"I wasn't aware that having friends with penises including one that is my BEST FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND, meant that I was a whore."
"I'm not saying you're a whore, but that's what little whores do."
I don't recall myself doing that often, as in hanging out with just guys, but really when it's friends, I'm not concerned with genitalia. OoooooooooooK. He's got an excellent theory going there, but I'm done with that. We move onto the next topic and yes, it gets better.
It turns into a discussion about beliefs. He tells me he was always worried and saddened at the fact that he knew we could never be together forever, meaning after death, because I didn't believe in what he believed.
"You either go to Heaven or you burn in Hell!" He screeched. "That's just the way it is!"
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. This is not real. And completely out of left field.
Then, his voice started cracking, yes, my friends, he began to cry. Then he stuttered out:
"If you really love someone, you believe what they believe so you can go to Heaven and be together forever..."
Where the hell did he get this bullshit? Fuck you dude. Don't act like this is my fault. You're the abuser. I'm just a heathen.
Apparently, the man found Jesus in the past two months. I mean, that's what his dad did after his wife (batshit's mom) caught him boning her best friend. Then after wifey divorced him, he married the best friend and they also divorced. So, really, it only seems natural. It's the only solution to being a complete and utterly astonishing asshole and despicable human being. Finding Jesus heals all sins! Right?
How about try therapy or some non-crazy pills? Or perhaps, since you and your dad grew up religious anyway and you guys are such good devout Christians, try not committing the unthinkable act of selfishness in the first place. I'm pretty sure that Jesus doesn't want to deal with your crazy ass either. Hmmm, maybe that's why I never really warmed to his dad...
Well, soon after this delightful conversation, his phone died and while he called me the next day, I have no desire to speak to him for the rest of my life (or afterlife for that matter). I get it now. He actually IS that insane. He feels no remorse. He is not sorry and he actually believes what he did was correct. So...fuck him. He's gone off the deep end and there's no turning back. I'm now sleeping better at night without all those irrational thoughts of rationality floating around in my head.
And, I just have to say it one more time...BATSHITASSCRAZY!

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