The day had finally come. The magical day of May 1st when all my shit would be out of the hell hole, my deposit check would be sitting on the table, I would exchange it for the key then I would never have to talk to him again. Yeah...right.
Except when you live in psycho ex-boyfriend land, it's never that easy.
First of all, there was no $250 check from the new FEMALE roommate in sight - did I mention the new roomie is a female he doesn't even know? Therefore, I kept a tight grasp on that house key. You give me money, I give you key. I wasn't aware it was such a difficult concept.
My dad and I hauled the remaining furniture and boxes out to the truck while my mom furiously cleaned my room so not even Mr. Clean sans the bald head and giant gold hoops could complain.
Later, as I was helping my dad situate the new load of shit in my parents' garage, I noticed something rather strange clinging to the bottom of my dining chairs...Boogers. Yes, people, I fucking said MOTHERFUCKING BOOGERS! What is he, 4? If he's going to wipe his nose crusties underneath my chairs, why doesn't he just go ahead and eat paste or better yet pick it and eat it - that way it won't end up under my goddamn chairs.
Still reeling from the booger incident, 5 o'clock rolls around and just as suspected, *ring, ring*, he calls to bitch. "Are you going to patch up the holes in the walls of the bedroom?" he asks. No, actually, I'm not going to patch up the holes in the spotless bedroom with painted yellow walls because the spackle is white and more holes will just be placed in the wall the next day by new fat ass roommate. I will, however, be happy to drive something pointy through your skull then spackle the hole it leaves...
After I ask about the check/key situation, he informs me that he's had the check in his pocket all day...and it wasn't on the table because....? Because he is a scary control freak. I calmly explain that I will not be driving my ass 20 minutes back to the house I just said goodbye to, so I can see his dick nose and listen to his snide comments just to get $250. That was the whole point of the check/key exchange - so we didn't have to see or hear each other...wanker.
Tornadoes then decided to decend upon the land - did I mention I live in Kansas? So, my mom and I are stuck in the basement and I'm still without $250 nor have I gotten rid of this damn key - at least there was wine and pizza. The weather finally decided to stop being all Oz-ish around 10:30 and I bit the bullet and headed back to the hell hole to find a box of food that was apparently mine on the front porch, but more importantly the elusive deposit check. I exchanged his offering with the key, the spackle and a definition of the word "selfless." When he left me a note earlier that day stating, among other things, "I know you're not selfless like me," I got the feeling he needed a little refresher on the meaning of the word - it was just a little token of my appreciation for the past two years.
Until next time Captain Dipshit, because I'm sure with your gentle, kind soul it won't be the last time we meet.