Monday, July 14, 2008

Cyber-fucked

I had no idea it was going to be like this.
I put an online profile on Match.com around Sunday or Monday night and the Match people have to approve it before everyone can view it, so nobody saw it until maybe Tuesday night. By Saturday I had over 600 hits on my profile, 30 e-mails to answer...or not answer and 50 something "winks," which is sort of like saying "hi, I'm interested. Are you?"
Being extremely skeptical and tentative about the whole thing, I just wanted to post a profile and feel it out before I actually subscribed, which means you pay, then are able to view and send e-mails. I finally paid my $35.99 for one month (jesus, I can't believe I'm paying money to date. : () on Saturday to see what these guys were saying to me and better my profile since I'd just thrown a small paragraph up there at first.
I'm not sure why I'm so shocked at the response. I mean, I'm decent looking, interesting, educated, employed, independent etc. Either I underestimate myself or I underestimate the number of creepy men who will talk to anything that resembles a woman.
Some of the e-mails I'm pretty sure were written by third graders. Is the correct usage of your and you're really like some sort of fine science that only journalists are aware of? Are men really that socially inept that they write you an e-mail that simply says, "Hi, how are you?" It's like OK, what am I supposed to write back? "Well I had a bad case of the shits earlier, but I'm better now." Really? Can't they think of something a little more...I don't know...inquisitive with this whole "getting to know you" form of Web site?
My favorite are the e-mails and winks from the old, OLD balls. I know it's some sort of "status symbol" or boost to the ego for older men to date women who are half their age, but what in the hell am I going to have in common, in the romantic sense, with a man that is my dad's age besides the fact they have kids that are my age? What would we talk about? His plans for retirement in five years? What would we do for fun? Go to dinner at Old Country Buffet at 5 p.m., then attempt to drag him to a club for some dancing just to end up going home before the sun actually set, rub him down with some Bengay and go to bed at 10? OK, it might not be that extreme, but really? That shit is just gross and molestery.
I more or less share everything with my parents these days because they're a good support for me and I love their reactions to some of the crazy shit I decide to spend my time doing - case in point, Match.com. Mom and Dad gathered around the computer the other night to read my profile and check out the site. As we were browsing the men that had winked at me, my dad noted that some of the guys were quite a bit older, then pointed at a silver-haired caller and exclaimed, "That guy is pushin' 60!"
Yes, yes, Dad, I realize this...and I'm freaked out. However, a few of the guys that sent me some e-mails actually impressed me, so not all of this overwhelming attention has been bad. Mr. Right could be floating somewhere in that cyber sea of creepy fuckos, I just have to give this thing a chance I guess.

As a funny side note, as I was walking out of my parents' house that night, carrying stuff to my car, I heard a large rustle in the rocks near the front door and thought, damn that must be a huge bug and I definitely need to get away from this area before it comes out to eat my face. Then I looked behind me to see this long, slithery creature coming straight towards me. I of course scream and pick up the pace, but the thing keeps coming at me like it's chasing me and chase it did - halfway down the driveway while I shrieked loudly in my parent's old fogie neighborhood at 11 o'clock at night until it finally bailed into the grass. I cautiously sprint back inside after dropping the stuff in the car and asked my mom, "didn't you hear me screaming?"
"Well...yeah." She said.
I guess that's what I get for being the girl who screamed wolf. I scream at every little spider, moth or scary, slithery creature that appears out of nowhere, so apparently my screams are no cause for alarm anymore.
"DAD! A giant snake lizard thing just chased me down the driveway!" I said, my dad smirking and giving me that same yes-I'm-aware-I've-raised-a-lunatic look he gave me when I asked him to help me get the tick off my ass.
"C'mon we're going on a snake lizard hunt!"
Grabbing a flashlight, we head back outside together and when I heard the familiar rock rustling, a shrill scream escaped from my mouth followed by, "SEE! I TOLD YOU!" When the thing came slithering out of the rocks and into the bushes. Dad declared the mysterious, slithery thing a skink after shining the light on it in the bushes and my parents lowered their opinion of me to slightly neurotic rather than completely insane.

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