Sunday, July 6, 2008

Singled Out

I hate to break it to you, but this world revolves around couples and families. The world and all it's amenities flips a gigantic middle finger to the singleton - especially the female singleton.
I noticed this fact during a recent trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond. BB&B and I have a special bond - it reminds me of shopping before heading off to college and they send me 20 percent off coupons every five seconds - so of course I went there to find one little canvas box for my bathroom and found myself wandering aimlessly. While in the kitchen utensil area, I realized I have virtually NONE of these things, which is not surprising since cooking and I don't mesh, however, since I've decided to attempt this tricky craft, I figured I should have them.
As I'm perusing the nine million different spatulas hanging on the wall writing things down on a scrap of paper I had in my purse, I look over and see a happy little couple intensely staring at items, then touching them to a handheld scanner to add to their wedding registry. Where the hell is my goddamn scanner? I thought. I'm doing the same thing, I'm just marrying myself. I wonder if I pranced my ass over to the wedding registry, put my name in on both blanks, scanned away, then informed my housewarming guests that I was registered at BB&B, I would just sit back and take in the bounty of awesomeness people would buy me. I mean, it's not like I'm registering at Manolo Blahnik like Carrie Bradshaw did, I just want the same old boring shit that couples get as wedding presents. Why should I have to wait? What if I never get married anyway? I smirk at my ingenious idea and scanner couple girl shoots me a look like, "eh, get away, you might get your single germs on me." Fuck you scanner biotch.
Speaking of trying cooking, I also decided that if I must be single, living alone and loving it (most of the time) I should embrace it fully. I began to Google "cooking for one," "single cooking" and "spinsters gotta eat too" and bookmarked some of the better sites (a.k.a. the ones that didn't suggest finding someone else to eat with you. Why in the fuck would you put that on a cooking for one site? Assholes). My fellow single chick Whittah, who is a social worker in Denver right now, and I were talking the other day about this very topic and she said she learned in one of her classes that preparing a meal for just yourself is healthy because it shows that you value yourself enough to take the time to make something good instead of just heating up some shit-tastic frozen piece of crap in a box all the time.
Then, we decided that grocery stores were the devil because there's not one packaged item that caters to the single person. Why hasn't anyone thought of offering HALF a loaf of bread in stores? There's no way anybody living by themselves can realistically eat the entire loaf before it turns green. Maybe there should be "single sections" in the grocery store or better yet, entire grocery stores that cater to the singleton. Perhaps I will contact HyHee and see if they're interested. My face would totally be on the salad dressing at the singles grocery store like Paul Newman.
As a part of my embracing singleness kick, I decided that I should be doing what almost every committed relationship person misses from time to time - hunting and playing with the opposite sex - a lot. Yes, dating can be a complete bitch sometimes, but I recall having quite a fun time during a couple of men juggling stints in college. Plus, if you're just chill and open to meeting new people and have the attitude of, "if I find someone I really like then cool, if I don't, that's OK too," then it actually is fun to date.
Now, the question is, where to find the dates? The pool at work is too small, the men in salsa class are old, creepy and/or married already and none of my guy friends are offering up their hot, single, nice friends I've never met. And, my track record at the bars lately? Horrendous. Two weekends in a row, the craziest, creepiest, old balls-y-est man in the entire P & L District has come up to me and tried to start an actual "getting to know you" conversation with me. I have this theory that I look 16 and I just attract all the pedophiles because I look so young. My favorite was the 4-foot-tall German man that was probably in his 60s, that handed me his number he wrote down on a pad of Post-its he pulled out of his pocket. Wow.
So, I've decided to also embrace dating of the 21st century - through the Internet. Yep, I'm joining Match.com. Something that less than five years ago I looked down at and said, "Oh god, if I'm like, 30, and still single, maybe I'll try it, but I hope I never have to." Funny how things change and stigmas gradually disappear. I have friends that have had some luck, others that had the worst dates of their lives and have heard stories about people getting married after meeting on Match.com, so the outcome could go in any direction. Which ever way it decides to go for me, at least it will give me something good to write about.
Have you hugged your singleton today?

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