Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Matched Up

So, Internet dating has become my second job. I come home after my regular job and then spend the rest of the night answering e-mails...or so it seems. Perhaps I'm just horribly distracted by other things while I answer e-mails or maybe I really just need to be more picky about who I chat with.
However, I have steered clear of continuing conversations with any one of the following gems:

"Hey, I have a seat on my Harley waiting for you."
Yes, I've always dreamed of dating a man with a shirt that says, "If you can read this, the bitch fell off."

"You have the most beautiful smile and eyes."
Why thank you and you must have the most incredible eye sight being able to see the beautifulness that is my microscopic eyes in the two inch by two inch photos on the site. Oh, by the way, I also wrote this whole profile thingy. Did you even read it?

"I love that you used the word 'douchebaggery' in your profile. I challenge you to use it in your next article."
Thanks, I appreciate our shared love for this amazing word, but your challenge is a little flawed since I would definitely get fired...dumbass.

Regardless, two of those e-mail conversations turned into phone conversations which turned into dates. I have to say that I didn't expect to meet my soulmate in my first month of pay-for-a-date and I'm pretty sure my assumptions were correct, but there is nothing blatantly wrong with these guys. They're both pleasant, smart and have no unsightly growths coming out of their faces, but as far as romantic connections...I'm not so sure yet.
I met my first date in the P & L and besides sweating profusely, the conversation wasn't even the slightest bit awkward. I found out we had a mutual friend and he didn't seem to be scared off by my heathen-istic ways despite his very Jesus-y upbringing - nor did he have a stick up his ass because of said Jesus-tastic upbringing.
Then we went upstairs and things sort of veered off to the right. Standing on the balcony in mid conversation, he suddenly spots his seventh grade teacher or something and excuses himself leaving me to fend for myself. As I'm chilling ALONE on the balcony, some creepy old balls and his friend almost immediately swoop in like vultures. It never fails - for the love of god, it was a Wednesday night! Am I never safe?
I wander over towards the teacher conversation in hopes he'll wrap it up so we can get on with the show and instead I'm introduced to the teacher, but I figure it's better than being old balls bait.
We then wander into another bar where he happens to work part time and he lied to the bartender about how we met. Then about five minutes into another conversation he suddenly perks up and literally runs away. Apparently a fight had broken out in the front of the bar and he felt the need to supervise...on a night that he didn't work...while he was on a date. As I stood there ALONE again, I looked at the clock on my cell phone which said it was about midnight and I thought I would totally leave if this guy even had the slightest hint of douche in him - thankfully for him, he didn't. I stood there just a little too long before he finally came back.
I held his attention for the rest of the night and have been harassing him since then about his impeccable first date manners. However, I obviously wasn't too offended since I agreed to go out with him again. I believe in second chances depending on how horrendous the first chance was.
My date with guy number two wasn't quite so eventful. The conversation went well, things in common yada, yada, but as we walked out of the bar, he hit the unlock button and the orange lights flashed on a little red Mazda 3 that wasn't mine. Yes, we have the EXACT SAME CAR. He said I either have really good taste in cars or he has a girl car. I believe it's a bit of both...but having a girly car gets you another date with me I guess.
However, my Match.com dating experiences so far have been better than either one of their past experiences. Apparently both of them have ended up face to face with Jabba Da Hut, then realized it was their date for the night. I guess the "about average" option on the body type section of the profile is interpreted differently by the masses.
Well, lucky me...

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