Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sex with Strangers

I love all things hysterical and Chelsea Handler's show, Chelsea Lately, is at the top of that list. That woman will say absolutely anything and she's basically my hero.
So, when I learned from Whitney that my hero had actually written a couple of books, another love of mine, I was instantly intrigued.
"Lara," Whitney said. "She has this book called, 'Are You There Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea,' and it's so funny and inappropriate, I automatically thought of you."
Yeah, that sounds about right.
"Go buy it right now so we can talk about it."
And, of course, I didn't go buy it because with my plentiful income I tend to concentrate on petty little things like feeding myself and my little dog rather than buying books that I can borrow from people who have more money than I. She also mentioned another book by Miss Handler called, "My Horizontal Life," which is a collection of one night stand stories. Do you think they carry that at the public library?
Anyway, Whitney posed as my wife by shacking up at my place for a few days last month when she was in town from Colorado for a visit. I gave her my extra key to use while I slaved away at work and she ended up taking it home. Well, much to my surprise, when she mailed the key back, it was attached to a little present with a note that said:

Thanks for letting me be your wife for the week! You'll like this even more than a ring.


The key was taped to a copy of "My Horizontal Life." YESSS! I love that generous, generous Whittah.
So, I finished my current read, began "My Horizontal Life" and immediately began to squirt tears of laughter on page one. She talks about busting in on her parents getting it on, skid marks in her underwear, sexual favors from midgets...and I'm dying.
Today I decide to take my delightful read outside with me to lay in the sun where I proceed to crack up poolside despite the fact that I have company from other residents. As I was putting the book down and gathering my stuff to head back inside, a weekend pool regular with some wild grey chest hair stops at my chair and says,

"Hey, whatcha reading?"
"Ummmm, 'My Horizontal Life,'" I answer...(I never thought about somebody actually asking me that. Please go away and don't ask me what it's about.)
"What's it about?"
"(SHIT!) Ummmmmm, it's a collection of one night stands."
"Oh, like an autobiography."
"Uh, sure, yeah, it's pretty funny (hasty laugh)."
*Man walks away and I stroll back to my place avoiding eye contact*

Now, I'm not sure what's more funny, the book itself or the fact that I just had to tell a total stranger that I enjoy reading about other people's promiscuous sex-capades. I'm totally going to be the talk of the apartment complex now.

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