Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Self Inflicted Hairlip

An envelope tried to kick my ass yesterday. The tiniest paper cut on your finger alone makes you want to go on a murderous rampage against all paper products, but when it cuts your FACE, it gets personal. There may be torture involved in this murderous rampage now.
I've mentioned that my job can be more office bitchy some days rather than others. One day I might be exploring the world of Web page design and blogging and the next day I'm labeling, stamping, stuffing, and my personal favorite, licking more than 100 envelopes for the company Christmas cards. Yea! To top it off I'm sending a Christmas card with a photo of the entire company on it and I'm smack in the middle of the picture with this "der, der, der" look on my face. I usually pride myself on my dancer/sorority girl photogenic-ness, but apparently I was feeling fugly that day. It's a perfectly lovely card, I just think it would look better with a sticker of a squirrel over my face...



Anyway, you may think 100 isn't really that many and that's exactly what I thought when I started. I thought I could just work on it gradually throughout the day and that going out in 5-inches-on-the-ground-still-falling-snow just to get a little envelope moistener contraption wasn't worth it. Uh huh, good thinking.
After about 15 of them, it felt like a third grader had force fed me half a bottle of ass-mint flavored Elmer's Glue. I remember when I was little, I loved the licking-the-envelope-and-stamp job. Remember when you had to lick the stamps? My mom would sit there at the kitchen table paying bills and shit would hit the fan if she beat me to the licking - "I WANT TO LICK THE STAMP!" It all sounds so dirty. It's kind of gross really knowing that this cute Christmas card you got in the mail was thoroughly mouth molested by a perfect stranger a few days earlier. Shit, those poor people at the gas and electric companies got every grubby school-aged kid germ known to man on both the envelopes and the stamps from our household during the late '80s and throughout the early '90s. I hope they wore gloves...
So, I began to hurry through it just to get it done instead of the gradual throughout the day plan. Just when I was rolling, the envelope whipped out it's tiny switchblade and severed my upper lip.
"OH! OW! GOD!...motherFUCKER!" I yelled while I began to nurse my lip wound without even stirring the boys. I guess nobody ran to be at my side because this is exactly what I yell when the printer decides to become possessed on a daily basis and when my boss throws Jolly Ranchers at me.
A few hours later as I was driving home, I noticed my stomach hurt and went through the possible causes in my head. When I came across the fact that I had probably ingested roughly 6 pounds of envelope glue earlier that day, my mental search for the source of my stomachache was over and I laughed in that bitter, Bah Humbug sort of way.
I guess if you haven't licked envelopes until you want to puke or received a battle wound from the war 'o Christmas card sending then a.) you haven't fairly earned your wages and b.) you aren't truly embracing the Christmas spirit.

Merry Fucking Christmas and a Happy Goddamn New Year to you and yours. *kisses* Ow...watch the lip...

1 comment:

Amy said...

I recommend glue sticks for envelope sealing! lol

 

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