Tuesday, January 27, 2009

New Year's Resolutions Gone Awry...Already

Lets quickly recap the gist of my New Year's celebration:

I ended 2008 looking like this:

And I began 2009 looking something like this:

I don't quite remember walking upstairs to the hotel room, but I miraculously woke up in my pajamas, which nobody helped me put on. Except I definitely still had my tights on underneath. My hair was still somewhat in the little updo except since it wasn't professionally done, industrial strength lacquer was not applied to my hair by the quart to make it stay, so we'll just call it a "messy" updo. The red lipstick is L'OREAL Infallible brand, you know, the stuff that doesn't come off. After about a bottle and a half of champagne, a vodka with a splash of Red Bull for color and 65 Dixie cups of keg beer, I was walking around the little hotel party kissing people on the cheeks while they went,
"Wait! Isn't that going to come off all over me?"
And I'm all, 'noooooo schilly, ist's that schit that sctaays oooooooonnn forEVERRRR!'

Except Infallible is no match for drunken face plants into hotel pillows. When I sat up in bed and found myself staring down a beast in the dresser mirror, then realized it was me I was staring at after my eyes came into focus, I noticed that along with my smeared eye makeup, half of my lips were bare while the other half were still red. I looked behind me at the pillow and saw a perfect outline of half my face complete with black eyelashes, liner, blush and half a red pout on the white pillow case. I was Mimi straight out of the Drew Carey Show except worse...and reeking of stale booze.

Some of my best friends at the end of 2008 were these people:

My best friend at the beginning of 2009 was this guy:

If you are sick more than once before hotel checkout, have to practically crawl down the hallway, must sit rather than stand in the elevator, crawl out the door, request assistance into the vehicle then abort the original plan of being taken home and opt for being dropped off at your parents' house to barf and die on their couch for several hours because it's closer than your own apartment, you might have had a fabulous New Year's Eve celebration...or you might be a binge drinking, lushy alcoholic.

If the first day of 2009 is any indication of how well I will follow through with my New Year's Resolutions, I'm screwed. I always make the resolution to stop biting my nails and have at the very least decent looking nails, but it's nearly impossible. I've had this resolution for a good 15 years if not more and I've found that the habit is more addicting than smoking...more addicting than CRACK. I've tried everything. I even took a new approach this year and started taking prenatal vitamins just before the New Year since my nails suck all on their own without me gnawing them down to nothing and prenatals are supposed to help make them stronger. I was doing OK for a couple of weeks, but now this New Year's Resolution falls under EPIC FAIL, since they pretty much look like this now:

Just kidding...they totally aren't that long.
As far as other resolutions - back to the gym (wait, do I even still have a gym membership?), eat healthier (who wants pizza?) and get published somewhere, anywhere...I don't even care, maybe Highlights Magazine? Hmmm, probably not since my frequent usage of the word fuck, though often utilized in such colorful, original ways, might be frowned upon.
Well shit, in the meantime, at least until I get that last one figured out, who wants a slightly used bottle of prenatal vitamins?

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