Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Aim low, please

You know what really makes me a happy, cheerful lady of the office? The fact that we have a cleaning service at the office yet I had to clean the toilet yesterday since it was unfit to sit on.

Yes, I had to clean MASSIVE AMOUNTS of dried piss off the women's room toilet seat in order to urinate at work. Not in a bar, but at work. And, it wasn't just on the seat it was all over the floor, on the back of the toilet and the tank. Any woman that can perform such a feat is probably a pre-op tranny and since there are none of those at work that I know of and there is only one other non-transvestite woman in the office building besides myself, I'm lead to believe that the culprit is a male.

I'm fully aware that a select few of the men do in fact use the women's restroom on occasion since there are so many of them and it seems a bit silly to wait in line for the shitter at work when there's another one wide open just a few feet away. While slightly irritating, I choose to pick my battles here, this one falling under the "whatev" category, so I don't say anything when it happens. I know it has to be extremely entertaining to have a tiny hose attached to your body, but I will be forced to get neurotic if I have to bust out the Lysol again.

Instead of having a brief office meeting about it like any normal, sane person would, my plan is to post signs on the toilet in the shape of conversation bubbles as if the toilet is talking. The top three ideas for signs are:

"Get your penis away from my mouth!"

"The vag and I are EXCLUSIVE."

"If you're not going to sit on my face, I don't want yo ass!"

Now, I do have to give these guys the benefit of the doubt since most of them have wives and have shared a bathroom with a woman for years, so therefore they would not even think of committing the mortal sin of pissing all over the ladies toilet especially since they have their very own bathroom to mark with their scent. I can only assume that the cleaning crew has some sort of grudge against us, or one of them brought their 5-year-old son with them to work.

Here are a few other theories as to how men can get pee everywhere except the GIANT hole with water in it directly in front of them:

- They brought their iPod into the bathroom and were forced to bust into spastic booty dancing while in midstream because Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" came on.

- They have bad knees and one of them buckled while they were peeing.

- A bout of narcolepsy hit them right as the business began, which meant they were actually laying on the floor asleep when most of the peeing occurred.

- They had great aim to begin with, but then an epileptic seizure forced them off course.

- Or maybe it's just a depression thing. They're just horribly sad the Kansas winter is slowly fading away...


Check this out:

Perhaps I should pass this Web address on to show my moral support.


Kate said...

I think the can's bubble-sign should say "Gentlemen, stand closer. It's shorter than you think" like the Ho in St. Joe... it's classic. And mean. That reminds me of big-fat-Perry at Bob's who used to crap all over the walls everyday...I still don't understand how.

Prosy said...

I'm the only girl at my office, so I have to share the bathroom with a bunch of guys. One ALWAYS uses all the toilet paper, and if you're lucky, he'll put a new roll on top of the empty roll. Why can't men put the new roll on the bar? Why? Why?


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