Friday, February 20, 2009

The attention whore strikes again

This is my dog Andy:



He is a dick.

Don't be fooled by that cute meerkat-like wrinkled head or the way he's politely crossing his legs in this photo - total asshat.

Not only does he piss on and ricochet off the crotches of my dates and anyone else who dares enter his domain, but the precious minutes I've wasted, which have undoubtedly added up to several hours over the course of the three years I've had him, chasing him through the various neighborhoods I've lived in has made me a weary, haggard mother.

He steathed out the front door probably close to once a week when I lived in my house in Fairway and since there's no catching his miniature gazelle ass, I just stood there helplessly while he frolicked at the speed of lightning through all the neighbors' front yards until he was out of sight. If he didn't come back in two minutes, I'd usually start crying and freaking out then my cell phone would ring with some weird number and a voice on the other end that sounded like a broken record would say: I have your dog. It was never the same person twice either because, ya know, Andy likes to meet new people to piss on as often as possible.

Sometimes he would even escape without me knowing and I'd come home to a note on the door that said: I have the Jack Russell, followed by an address.

I often find myself asking the question: Is he just really too smart for his own good or is he extremely dumb? The fact that he ran head on into a fence a few weeks ago makes me think the latter. I'm like, 'dude, you have food here and you get to sleep in the most comfortable bed ever because you're a spoiled asshole. Why would you want to leave dummy?'

Granted I did adopt him as an adult from the Humane Society, so his "formal training" didn't start until after he was a year old and had already developed his dick-ish ways. He has come a long way, so much so that I thought his running away habit was cured after I moved into this apartment. Eventually, I was able to let him out the door when I was in a hurry and he'd run down the steps, lift his leg on the fence post near the bottom of the steps and come right back. Except lately the little shit is back to his old shenanigans.

Yesterday, I had diddledicked around too much during my lunch break and was all, 'oh shit, I better go back to work or something, so they don't fire my ass.' So I'm running around trying to get ready to leave and I let him out the door like I usually do except *zoom* white lightning is suddenly back and he heads for the hills without even looking back.

After waiting around and screaming his name, I jump in the car and start trolling the complex. Here I am with all the windows down, screaming like a giant flaming piece of white trash, "AAAAANDY! Git yer ass back in the cage you DICKHEAD!" when my phone rings with a strange number.

"Ma'am, your dog's over here at the QuikTrip."

Are you fucking serious? That's like a half mile excursion through the entire complex, a construction site and across a busy street. I'm on the verge of vomiting. I'm like, 'Andy, if you wanted a goddamn taquito and a cappuccino, all you had to do was ask. There's no need to risk your life and cause your mother a heart attack.' He's like one of those bastard teenagers. If this is what babies turn into minus the fur, then boo, forget about it.

As I pull up to the QuikTrip I see some woman with bright pink lipstick and black fly glasses kneeling down to the ground scratching Andy's belly. I assume he must have released all his piss during his joy ride because she wasn't jumping back in disgust.

Nope, all her disgust was saved just for me. This woman, who by the way, seriously needed to consider purchasing a nose hair trimmer and using it regularly, BZZZZZZZZZ!
acted as though I had purposely let him out and left him on the streets for dead with her little 'mah' attitude.

I'm like, a.) He's kind of a shithead b.) I adopted him from a shelter when he was old balls so I'm totally a good Samaritan and c.) I'm not Ceasar fucking Milan so you and your dangly nose hairs can go fuck your mom.

I thanked her profusely anyway and took my little asswipe home. Perhaps he's not so dumb after all since he can apparently find alternate food sources at his favorite convenient store all by himself. I totally love that little bastard.

2 comments:

thatsilverlining said...

ha! What a little shit. Its a wonder you don't have any gray hair. :)
One time our cat ran away and when someone called to let us know they had her - she was TWENTY miles away. Animals are weird.

Kate said...

Oh, Boo-Jens. What a little shitbag...apparently Toby Houdinied out of the backyard (again) yesterday, but instead of trotting down Rainbow like he normally does, he went and sat on the front porch. Maybe he's getting smarter...but I think he's just getting lazier.

 

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