Friday, February 13, 2009

A lot of PISSY, mixed with a wee bit of happy

**I wrote this on Friday, then got preoccupied with being half dead and trying to go out of town and forgot to post it.**

Remember how I was a giant raging bitch on Christmas Eve because I did not have strep throat and therefore could not get the lovely Z-Pak and ended up being sick for three weeks? Well, be careful what you wish for because this is now currently sitting on my kitchen table:

Because *dun, dun, DUUUUN* I now miraculously and mysterious have strep. Goddammit.

It's been a good 10 years since I've had this shit and I'm not sure how I got it this time. It was either when I made out with the female stripper Saturday night or several hours later when I licked a bathroom wall for three dollars and pack of Skittles. Skittles are fucking gooooood.

I don't ever remember it being this shitty to have Strep. When I was little I was all, "Hey Mom, my throat hurts like a bitch," but I'd feel fine otherwise, then we'd go to the doctor, he'd say, "yeah, it looks like it," gag me with a giant Q-Tip, put me on meds, I'd miss the mandatory day of school, then three days later the test results would come back and Mom would go, "Yes, in fact, you did have strep."

This time I woke the boyfriend up around 5:30 a.m. yesterday morning because I was moaning "NOOOOOO!" in my sleep. He was all, "are you having a bad dream?" and I'm all, "no, I'm totally dying."

My whole body was cramping up, I was feverish and I began walking around my apartment crying while trying to get ready for work and searching for sharp objects to help me cut my throat out. Finally I was just like, fuck this, I'm going to the clinic and I probably either have nothing or Tetanus, only one of which will allow me to crawl back into bed unfortunately since I've already missed too many days of work being sick with rando colds and what not.

When did my immune system decide to go on vacation? Oh, that's right, just around the same time my metabolism decided to start being a lazy piece of shit so I get to be a sickly, crappy employee and human being with a fat ass all at the same time and nobody likes those. Great.

I was worried about my crap employee status, but I was also pissed because I'm leaving for New Orleans on Saturday at 6 a.m. with Kate and Shaunna for Shaunna's bachelorette party and while I'm sure rotting in airplanes and airports with a few thousand other disgusting, hygiene-impaired people and their mysterious illnesses, then prancing around the filthy, boob, stripper and feces filled streets while drinking Hand Grenades and Hurricanes make stingy sore throats feel so much better, I really just didn't want the feeling of walking death to get in the way of my partying.

So, my dressed-for-work-but-still-lookin'-like-a-crackhead self went to Walgreen's and after much blah, blah, blah about insurance and menstruation and my excessive drinking, smoking and drug use, the nurse looked in my throat, went 'eeeww' while scrunching up her nose, gagged me with the giant Q-Tip, played with some chemicals, then two minutes later she said, "yep, it's strep." My, how medical technology has changed in my lifetime.

I was sort of relieved since there was no way I could go to work, doctor's orders yo, there was some sort of explanation as to why my throat was collapsing and my skin hurt and I'd probably feel better by the time I left for The Big Easy. I had to fight a bit for the Z-Pak, but ended up getting the gloriousness. Except I still feel like butthole. And I'm pretty sure everybody at work is going, 'this chick is full of shit,' so I sent this e-mail along with scans of my doctor's note and diagnosis sheet attached. Yes, almost 26-years-old and I'm still getting doctor's nurse practitioner's notes I guess:

Hi guys, Well, I feel less like death than I did yesterday, but still death nonetheless, which is going to make for a wonderful trip this weekend. : ( I know it's absolutely ridiculous for one human being to be sick this much in this short period of time, which is not normal for me, so I attached the documents I got at the clinic yesterday just so you can see I'm not full of it. I am actually legitimately sick. Have a good weekend and I'll see you Tuesday unless I catch the avian flu or Bubonic Plague from New Orleans...jeez...seriously? ~ Lara

And, here are some more reasons why strep sucks a big fatty:

- My cousin Aaron and his wife Ginny had their baby yesterday and I can't go visit him because two days later they'd be all, 'why and how the fuck does our newborn have strep?' Then I'd be shunned from the family and that's no good.

- On top of being a sickly crap employee with a fat ass, I'm also a crap girlfriend because Jim will be going under the knife while my drunk ass gallivants all over the French Quarter. Granted I had this trip planned and booked long before hoodlums decided to break his rib which later punctured his lung causing the need for said surgery, but still. Still. I've been debating whether I should stay home since he doesn't have any family near him, but I decided the possible resentment that could result from that decision would be worse. Plus, he's probably going to get strep on top of the whole surgery thing.

Fucking strep makes everything all shitty.

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