Monday, March 30, 2009

The douchebag of the ocean

Sharks are dicks and I hate them.

I mean, look at them! They're the scariest motherfuckers ever! I've always known this, but this show that the boy and I watched Sunday night "Ocean of Fear: Worst Shark Attack Ever" on the Discovery Channel just heightened my awareness of their asshole-ish ways.

The show was all about the USS Indianapolis that was torpedoed and sank in the summer of 1945 leaving hundreds of Marines and Navy guys floating in the Pacific Ocean...for FOUR FUCKING DAYS in the crappiest life rafts I've ever seen. Some didn't even get that and just bobbed up and down in the ocean with a life jacket. The sharks apparently honed in on them pretty much immediately.

Deep, ominous voice of narrator: "Then an Oceanic White Tip, one of the most aggressive sharks of the sea, approached the group of men." (Flash video footage of big asshole shark swimming around)

I immediately thrust my arm out in front of me to point at the T.V. and yelled, "WHORE!"

Chuckles from the boy.

They talked about how these sharks terrorized the shit out of these guys who were, in the meantime, also dying of hypothermia, starvation and dehydration. Then when it got really bad, some started drinking the salt water, went batshitass crazy with hallucinations and super strength and ended up drowning their friends before they died too. Then sharks would swarm every few hours to chomp off people's hands or pull a dude under and then the other guys would watch while their buddy's body parts would pop up to the surface. BAAAAH!

Later they talked about how some guy lost his pants and his shoes somehow while jumping off the ship and without the protection of those, his pale, flailing limbs in the dark ocean looked like fish to the sharks.

Me: "That's bullshit. They always say that sharks mistake humans for fish or whatever, but I think the sharks know we're humans."

Jim: "Lara, we're not in their natural habitat. They're just looking for food." *chuckles*

Me: "Whatever. They know...They know."

The boy will get NO WHERE with that rational attitude when he's lost in the deep, dark sea one day. These shows always say, 'oh poor shark, he just thought that surfer was a seal.' Well, you know what I say? Fuck that. That surfer looks nothing like a seal. It looks just like a tasty, tasty tanned and blonde-headed human. Just like the pale, flailing limbs look just like delicious legs and arms. Humans are to sharks like crab and frog legs are to humans. Or like 'Da Bronx pizza is to me - a rare delicacy. You can't tell me they don't know the difference between human flesh and a goddamn fish.

When they finally got rescued, some crazy number like more than 500 guys died in the water. And, while they call it "the worst shark attack ever" they tried to backtrack and say very few of the deaths were actually because of shark attacks. Then they spouted out some statistics like only four humans are killed by sharks a year and something like 400,000 sharks are killed by humans per year.

Me: "GOOD!"

Chuckles from the boy.

Throughout the show, they had interviews with some of the survivors of pretty much the worst situation I could possibly think of being in a.k.a. having your vessel sink then having to rot in the ocean for FOUR FUCKING DAYS while sharks tried to eat the shit out of you all while simultaneous starving and going insane, but at the very end, they asked the guys their opinions of sharks.

Two of the guys were all, 'it's cool, we were in their territory. We can't really blame them.' But then the third guy was all, "That situation certainly didn't make me like sharks at all. I think they're harrible!" (yes, harrible, I fully agree.) Nicely put, but I'm sure if he didn't have to censor his response for television, he'd be all, "FUCK SHARKS!" And, I'd be all, "Right on! I'm with you dude."

Moral of the story:
If you join the Navy in 1945, they will leave you to rot in the open ocean for FOUR FUCKING DAYS even though they know your ship is overdue, so don't even think about traveling back in time to enlist AND, more importantly, sharks will eat you on purpose because they are dicks.


Kate said...

Ugh...then don't watch the thing on the Animal Planet about iricongi (the world's deadliest jellyfish that is the size of, like, a fish turd, but can kill a grown man in 3 seconds) or you'll never step foot in an ocean again.

sour said...


Prosy said...

Have you ever seen the movie Deep Blue Sea where the sharks get super smart and come after the humans? Don't.


View my page on Twenty Something Bloggers