Tuesday, March 10, 2009

For once I'm not the drunk ass or the weirdo

While this blog usually and mostly consists of me making fun of myself for my domestic shortcomings and drunken behavior, with my heart being all ghetto lately, I’ve decided to detach my face from the giant bottle of vodka and take in the sights through (mostly) sober eyes.

Take for instance Saturday night when my sister and brother-in-law got completely hammered ass drunk for my sister’s birthday celebration at the Power & Light District. They made a QuikTrip run at the end of the night and I’m pretty sure they decided to eat their drunken snacks in the store because after 20 minutes, my sister returned to the car with half eaten nachos and my brother-in-law came out with three plastic containers of nacho cheese in one hand and a hot dog in the other. No bun, no box to carry it in, just a loose hot dog in his left fist like a 2-year-old eating his lunch in a high chair. Then, we left the pair of drunkards howling with laughter in the backseat of the car in the driveway because they looked down and realized they had both been spilling cheese all over their laps the entire car ride.

Now if I hadn’t stayed away from the vodka-lovin’ I would have never been able to help them piece together their night of hilarity the next day and explain to them why they had congealed nacho cheese all over their jeans.

* * *

I took lil Andy boo to the vet yesterday for his shots and realized my vet’s office is a mecca for scary white trash. First of all it smelled like rancid dog shit and ass. Now, the vet doesn’t ever smell good, but I’m pretty sure someone’s dog dropped a load in liquid form on the rug in the lobby about three seconds before I walked in. Then I waited for 45 mofoing minutes for the goddamn vet although the people watching and trying to quiet Andy’s shrill whining kept me entertained.

This one enormous lady in gray sweatpants with Tang colored hair – you know the hair that’s trying to be blonde, but the bleach wasn’t left on long enough kind of orange tint – and the scariest black scraggly unibrow ever sat in the waiting room for at least 25 minutes just oooing and ahhhing at all the dogs. At one point she came and sat by me just so she could scratch Andy with her Lee Press On Nails with designs and rhinestones. Of course Andy loved it because he’s a giant ho bag and demands that all people in his sight range pet him until their hands bleed. After a while I was going, ‘what the hell lady? Why are you even in here? You don’t even have an animal with you.’ Soon after, they called her name, she apparently paid a bill, then left.

My favorite was what appeared to be a white trash lesbian couple that was pretty much in the waiting room the entire time I was there. The fat one with a scroungy looking pony tail and boobs that hung to her waist had an inbred looking puppy draped over her shoulder and her older partner that wore a shit stained shirt that said “disguised as a responsible adult” was literally cuddling with a giant white and pink bird that was perched on her arm. I think it was a cockatoo or something,
but she kept hugging it and kissing and cooing at it like, “Oh Tussy, it’s OK baby.” Then the bird showed its appreciation for all the loving by taking a big shat on the thigh of the lady’s black jeans. To which the lady replied, “TUSSY!” I was pretty much dying and surprised that “responsible adult” lady didn’t look more like a BMW parked under a cherry tree in the spring.

Just when I was thinking, ‘where the fuck am I?’ The lady called us back to an exam room. Apparently Andy was pretty perturbed for having to wait so long too because as soon as the vet tech took his weight and left the room, he sniffed around for a bit then lifted his leg and took a giant piss on the filing cabinet.

* * *

Last night I stopped in the bar where the boy works to have a glass of red wine (Shiraz is good for the heart, no?) and about 45 minutes into my visit some drunk ass lady who the boy recognized as a member of the Kansas City *mah, nose in the air* elite that thinks the sun shines out of her ass because her husband is rich, bashed into another customer’s car in front of the restaurant. I’m talking nearly monster trucked her giant SUV over this guy’s little silver sports car.

Instead of saying “sorry, I suck. It was totally my fault. Lets exchange information and we’ll get it taken care of” like a normal, decent human being, this drunk bitch went on a tirade about how she hates the rain and it happened because she was all wet and there was nothing in her rear view camera (note, camera, not mirror) and the rain is coming down in sheets and he’s a huge asshole for making her give him her insurance information and making a big deal out of his smashed in front grill because hey, his car still starts right? She went on and on and on screaming and ranting. This guy must have dealt with a lot of horrendous dick heads in his life because he was so patient with this wretched woman. He could have easily called the cops and had her put in jail for drunk driving especially since there were five witnesses, but he didn’t.

At one point drunky bitch even tried to get the boy to “vouch” for her and Jim just went on polishing his glasses and gave me the wide-eyed this-bitch-is-crazy look. She started going on about the rain for the sixth time and Jim was all “or it was the two bottles of wine.” Finally she and her friend went on their way after Jim shooed them out of the bar, but before they left, he turned to me and said audibly:

“If there were only women like her left in the world, I’d start sucking cock.”

I love that man.

* * *

OK, so maybe I wasn’t my usual drunk ass, weirdo self the past couple of days, but my old tried and true domestic disabled-ness is still very much there. Believe it or not, I set off my smoke alarm for the first time yesterday while boiling water. WTF?

There must have been something stuck on the burner because the whole place filled with smoke, the shrill ass smoke alarm started going off and I had to open the front and back doors to try to air the place out and make the noise stop all while trying to keep a howling Andy from running out the open door. It was quite a sight. I’m surely everyone’s favorite neighbor.

In other news, I’ve spend the day with a Holter Heart Monitor strapped to my chest which is like a 24-hour EKG. It’s pretty sexy. I had a regular EKG last week and they found nothing. Tomorrow I’ll have an Echocardiogram, which I think is like a sonogram of the heart. All this makes me wonder just how many times it’s humanly possible for me to show my boobs to strangers in one week. At least three I guess, but maybe more if I’m lucky. More to come on this topic in the near future, but I just hope they figure out what’s going on in there. It’s really cutting into my drinking time.


thatsilverlining said...

Your life is so interesting. :)

I hope the doc can figure out your what is going on with your 'ol blood pumper!

Kate said...

Seriously, tell 'em to figure out your ticker so that we can go play this weekend...let me know what they tell you tomorrow after your test-a-palooza.


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