Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I swear it's not a bomb

Check out my external pacemaker:

I wore this thing all day and night yesterday to monitor my heart. I didn't realize I needed to wear a turtle neck in order to cover all the wires, so my wire-y chest was definitely exposed all day prompting everyone who walked into work to go, "what the hell is that?!" And me responding with, "I promise it's not a bomb."

My favorite part was taking the tape off along with a layer of my skin then trying unsuccessfully to scrub the crusty leftover tape shit off my body during my required hillbilly shower in front of my bathroom mirror this morning since I couldn't take a real shower without surely electrocuting myself. I took the rest of it off while sitting in the waiting room with four obese, mouth breathing old people. It hurt just as bad to pull off the electrodes except this time I refrained from yelling "FUUUCK!" each time I ripped one off like a band-aid to avoid upsetting all the old timers and their fragile hearts.

When the nurse called me back for my Echocardiogram, I'm pretty sure she was like, "what the hell are you doing here? Why aren't you a crotchety old lady wheezing for your life?" And I'm all, "yeah I keep asking myself the same thing."

So I laid there while more motherfucking electrodes were attached to my bare boobs by a stranger, got covered in warm goo (at least it was warm!) and saw and heard heart my heart go *gulump* *gulump* on a sonogram. It was actually pretty cool although I didn't know what was going on or what the chick was doing most of the time.

The good news is, she didn't feel the need to call the cardiologist in. The bad news is, I won't get results for a couple of days, so more waiting, and if nothing shows up, then what? What the hell is going on in there? More tests, more time off work, more insurance claims, more money and more of my sanity slowly disappearing. Plus the boy is being a wiener. Yea for life!

I did however get some good news today, which probably kept me from completely going off the deep end. My old newspaper co-worker sent me a text today informing me that I won first place in column writing for the 2009 Kansas Press Association Awards of Excellence. Hooray! Even though I don't work there anymore, I still had the opportunity to submit a sample of my work for the contest. I sent in this and this and this. I was hoping to make it to Wichita for the awards ceremony in April, but just judging from last year's date, I'm assuming it will be on one of the weekends I'm in a wedding or out of town.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go scrub massive amounts of electrode residue off my body.


sour said...

that thing is amazing, it totally looks like you're part robot.

Kate said...

Yeah! They gave an award to the article that I have hanging on the fridge - now we really CAN put a gold star on it :)

Prosy said...

Hooray for you!!
You could have had a lot of fun with that strapped on bomb idea.

thatsilverlining said...

holy buckets, you look like a terrorist.

Congrats on the award! Now you officially rock. :)

Laura Castleberry said...

I like the one about your Grandpa's ceremony. Which one did you win the award for, or was it a general award for the submitted pieces?

Lara said...

You just submit three of your best columns and that's how they judge it. Pretty cool for podunk Kansas.


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