Thursday, March 19, 2009

Who's that crazy leprechaun-like bitch?

I covet things constantly. No, first I dream them up, have no idea if they actually exist and then I covet them and search for them - so much so that it kind of runs my life.

Such as when I decided I needed the perfect red, peep toe pumps – Not open toed, PEEP toe. Not maroon or mauve, but RED. Not a small, tasteful heel, but a sky high, I-am-now-an-amazon heel. Not a stripper-esque platform sole, but a concealed one etc...It began as a small desire a few years ago and then it just grew into an obsession with more and more stipulations until I finally found them after a several month
long, exhaustive search. They are the most bloody stump foot inducing shoes ever known to a shoe lover – I know because I’ve been wearing them around my apartment since they came in the mail on Wednesday - but that’s not the point. Whether or not they make you want to cry, then hack your toes off because that would feel better than the pain they are inflicting on your feet during a Friday night out on the town was not a stipulation, so I just have a couple more shots of vodka and say, “Quit being a pansy! These shoes are awesome and beautiful!”

And you’re thinking, ‘seriously lady, they’re SHOES for fuck's sake!’ but I do it with everything. Like the new brochure I’m designing for my company. I dreamed up this awesome design with removable, replaceable inserts and pockets that I thought surely some printer in Kansas City would have in stock, but come to find out my brilliant design was in fact a “Lara Original,” so I’d have to have them custom made for a bajillion dollars which is ridiculous for a mass produced brochure and would make my bosses go, 'get the hell out you crazy bitch!.’ So, sadly, I had to let go of this coveted item and think of something boring and far less awesome, which pisses me off.

Sometimes my searches are long and sometimes short. Sometimes my covets haunt my dreams and sometimes I have to coordinate them with my paychecks. Yes, I do wonder if this could be classified as some sort of mental disorder, but nonetheless it’s what I do and I must feed the need.

So my St. Patrick’s Day covet was tiny leprechaun hats. I just had this idea the day of: Wouldn’t it be hilarious to bobby pin a wee hat to my head when I go out for some green beer drinking tonight? You know, the kind that you’re not really “supposed” to wear, but just use as decoration? I stopped by two party stores on the way home from work Tuesday to no avail and then I tried a fabric store right by my apartment. I literally said, out loud, “Oh please have tiny hats!” before I walked in and low and behold there they were right in the front of the store – a six pack of teeny, tiny leprechaun hats covered in green glitter. Hooray! (a perfect example of the short search covet)

I arrived at my friend Lacey’s boyfriend’s friend’s house around 7 p.m. decked out in green with a 12-pack of Miller Lite and, of course, my tiny hat pinned just slightly cockeyed on my head. As I walked toward the three of them sitting on the front porch, the first thing Lacey said to me was, “You have a little hat on your head!” and I’m all, “I know! Isn’t it funny?!”

We strolled to the Westport bars a short time later and found that many people admired the tiny hat throughout the night and I tried to get others to don the five others I had stashed in my purse.

The boy was working at the bar he used to work at for the night and while he was less amused by my tiny hats than I had anticipated, I later tackled him and another bartender at the end of the night and pinned a tiny hat atop each of their heads. Joy ensued. It must have been all of those free green Jell-o shots the boy was feeding everybody…and himself.

While at my favorite bar Kelly’s, some random chick came by with a little bottle of green food coloring and at the exact same time she asked me if I wanted some green beer, she dropped a few drops of the green stuff into both beers sitting in front of me at the bar. I’m like, “thanks for the green roofie rando girl I don’t know!” but it’s hard to stay annoyed when you’re wearing a tiny leprechaun hat, so I got over it in a split second and drank the green roofie beer anyway.

Then I saw this guy and immediately knew he needed a tiny hat:


Except there was no hair to pin it to and make it stay so I was all, “Shit! Where’s some glue when you need it?” I will remember this for next year.

THEN, my best friend of the whole night appeared:

Yes, a fellow tiny hat wearer and lover, although mine was far tinier and better. I tried to share and perch one of my sparkly hats on his head along with the small hat he already had on, but once again the no hair and no glue problem arose.

Lacey eventually put one on and we posed with our friend Rob to compare the tiniest hat with the largest hat.

Now, I may be certifiably nuts with this whole covet problem, but the thing is, I’m never disappointed once my covet is fulfilled. In fact, as you can see, many times others also benefit from my obsessions and we all just have a grand ‘ole jolly time...or it’s just me having the good time and me imagining everybody else having a good time because I’m crazy. Either way, only good things result from the covet.

Usually I don’t reveal too much about my obsessions because I’m fairly certain it’s a deep inner struggle that nobody could understand and also because I don’t want anybody to steal my ideas like in third grade when I started wearing classic K-Swiss shoes, then Kristin got them, then Andrea, then Shaniqua and I was all, “what the fuck assholes?” Yes, I know, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but boo to that in most cases.

Anyway, here are a few, very few, things I currently covet:

Some lovely body scrubs from Angel Face Botanicals that I ran across while reading this chicky’s blog and pretty much everything on this vintage and vintage inspired Web site. There are specifics, but I’ll refrain from sharing for fear my head will spin around and pop off.

I’m a silly, silly woman.


Kate said...

Are you wearing the bloody-stump shoes out this weekend? Looks like St. Patty's was fun...probably more fun than eating bland chicken and passing out in a drooly-vicodin-coma :)

Prosy said...

HAHA, I love the tiny hat on the bald guy.

thatsilverlining said...

The tiny hat idea is awesome. It would definitely brighten my day to see people in tiny hats!

You should read One Hundred Years of Solitude. One of the main characters in it sounds a lot like you and your coveting. He would always dream up these inventions and would go crazy until he figured out how to make them work. Although...he does go crazy and ends up tied to a tree until he dies, so...maybe don't read it.

Whittah! said...

I am so coming for St. Patricks Day next year. I want a teeny tiny hat!


View my page on Twenty Something Bloggers