Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Afterhours Education

I peeled the red shoes of death off my now numb feet as soon as I hit carpet then went straight into the kitchen to sniff around for a tasty treat in the form of alcohol and immediately regretted sticking my nose into a cheap and rotten bottle of Pinot Grigio I found in the fridge. *BLUH*

Across the kitchen, the sound of a shot glass shattering on the tile floor made everybody jokingly curse and accuse, but it totally wasn’t me.

My hunt resulted in zero mixers, a bottle of tequila, the wine of course and a bottle of Pomegranate vodka and since I’d rather not projectile vomit on the walls of somebody else’s home, I took a shot of vodka and chased it with some water. You work with what you’ve got.

The boys busted in the front door and demanded I eat some of the bags and bags of random mystery meats wrapped in bread they scavenged from their late night QuikTrip run and I obliged since the simultaneous meeting of 3 a.m. and vodka makes all faux foods from gas stations automatically taste delicious.

Fitzy disappears briefly and comes back with a treasure: “Pervert.” Splotches of splooge form the spaces on the game board, which is spread out in the middle of the living room while I use my best sales pitch a.k.a. “WHO WANTS TO PLAY PERVERT?!” to recruit players. As the game went on, people became intrigued with either the screeching that came from our circle or the desire and undoubted knowledge that they would in fact win and be crowned “the biggest pervert” if they played. Players then outnumbered pieces and random objects from pockets were used instead.

“Move the peppermint forward one,” Josh kept squawking from his perch on a chair above the circle gathered around the board-o-jiz.

Questions from cards were fired one after the other around the circle only stopping briefly to assist the color blind in identifying the color of the card.

“Orange – everybody answers.”
“Purple is everybody except you.”
“Blue is just you.”

Until the ultimate question was asked: “Have you ever given or received a Tahitian Face Mask?”

Puzzlement washed over the players. We looked at each other for answers but to no avail. A room full of perverts playing “Pervert” couldn’t figure it out. I knew of the Dirty Sanchez, the Hot Carl, the Cleveland Steamer, the Rusty Trombone and even the Gorilla Mask, but not the Tahitian Face Mask. Perhaps it had something to do with exotic oils?

We all reluctantly moved our pieces back the required splooge spot and slowly continued the game while Josh whipped out his phone to gain the group a little knowledge.

Within seconds a smile spread across his face and he began reading:

“First you place a piece of plastic wrap over the receiver’s face…”

Oh god...

“The giver then squats over the receiver’s face and POOPS on the plastic wrap...”

BAAAAAHAHAHHAHAA! The mention of the word poop sends shrills of laughter into the air.

“A second piece of plastic wrap is then placed on top.”

Oh, OK, we got a laugh out of it and now we know since such facts will surely be needed in a life or death situation in the future, but as we started to go back to the game, we realize Josh isn’t finished yet and simply paused to laugh before reading the final line of description:

“Then *hahaha* the giver PUNCHES the receiver in the face...”

The rest of the sentence is drowned out by hysterics from the perverts. Kicking legs and flailing arms spill beers onto the carpet and bodies overcome with this glorious information topple backwards.

The plastic wrap and the poo and the punching of the said Saran wrapped poo on the face...OH GOD!!! AMAZING!

Yes, the famed Tahitian Face Mask did in fact have something to do with exotic oils…exotic oils from your ASS.

Breaths were caught and composures were regained as far as drunk perverts go and the game continued to the end. The biggest pervert did in fact win the game although he probably would have actually landed in last place if I would have posted some additional rules to the game that apparently were not obvious to him:

1.) Acts performed with an animal do not count unless the question specifies.
2.) The same goes for blow up dolls – even if it’s a really hot blow up doll.
3.) Acts performed during a dream while you’re sleeping do not count as reality and therefore do not count in the game unless the question specifies.

While I was sure I would come out on top, I sadly lagged behind just because I don’t enjoy other’s vaginas and boning in moving vehicles.

As it turns out, I'm merely a mediocre pervert. Goddammit.


Anonymous said...

Yes, other's vaginas are off the table for me too. Although that's hardly perverted really, just gay! :) The moving vehicle thing I could live with so long as it wasn't ME driving or the other person. Now a TRAIN might work...

sour said...




i need that game!!!! hahahaaaa

Prosy said...

Is this a real game or one you and your fellow perverts made up? God, we just played circle of death a lot, I feel like a loser.

Kurt said...

"Knowing is half the battle." G.I. Joe

Kate said...

Could we have played that game with more color blind people?


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