Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Somehow I managed to avoid breaking the law


After a good 24 hours of feeling completely out of my mind - I'm talking bat-shit-ass-shave-my-head-and-beat-people-up-with-an-umbrella-Britney-style kind of psycho - I'm feeling almost normal. ALMOST being the key word since I'm sure I'll be riding out this manic state for quite a while and I keep finding myself saying things in my head like, "I'm free from the man!" and "The world is my oyster!" You know, shit only crazy crackhead hippies say...

Monday, maybe three hours after I figuratively took it up the ass from my previous lying bastard employers, my day consisted of me gallivanting with my dog through the mud of a nearby park, swinging on the swings, which I'm pretty sure scared the mothers and their children, walked through some more mud and sprinted across a soccer field all while intermittently sobbing. I'm surprised I didn't take off my clothes and cartwheel across the damn thing. Then I walked around Target with my mom, which used to be therapeutic, but now only made me want to slit my wrists since who knows when I'll be able to buy anything again. The boy went to the mall yesterday and I later asked him to describe the smell to me. This is going to be bad...

Later on, I got ready to go out and visited my vag wax lady for probably the last time for a long time where we said 'fuck' a lot back and forth, which is always fun (plus she had pity on me and gave me a good discount on my wax) then I headed to Kelly's for, yep, you guessed it, some lovely Jameson. Kate met me out at some point, I proceeded to get shitfaced, cried and screamed some more, but only after I got back to my car (which I did not drive, nor did I attempt to drive) then Kate drove me back to her place where I passed out with the dog in the spare bedroom.

Now that the urge to drink myself retarded is out of my system, I feel better. I filed for unemployment yesterday, updated my resume and began the hunt all while thinking of other options in the back of my mind like - do I really want to get another job I don't particularly care for just to have an income or should I use this opportunity to figure out what I really want to do with my life? Back to school perhaps? Some sort of other training? My plan of attack is still TBA.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying spring in Kansas City because we totally have the best springs. My mom and I took my niece Remi to Deanna Rose Farmstead, a little petting zoo, today to look at animals and it was actually hot outside. Mom used to take my sister and me here when we were little and we barely recognized it since it's changed so much. The bastard goats are still there and you can still feed them, but only through the fence now instead of actually being able to get in the pen with them. It's probably a good idea since one of them tried to eat my mom's straw purse one time and another one butted me in the ass when I ran out of food a different time. Goats are greedy little dicks.

Remi didn't like them anyway and covered her eyes when we brought her up to the fence, so most of our time was spent on the playground and since I'm the young, spry one, I was forced to squeeze my fat ass down plastic slides made for toddler butts with the kid. I wormed my way through this barn to get to this tall slide, set her down on my lap and since the kid before us apparently had pants made out of waxed paper, we rocketed down the slide and got spit out onto our asses at the bottom - cute when a little kid does it, pathetic when a grown woman does it. Mom cracked up, Remi cracked up and yelled "again!" and I, being the cool aunt that I am, crawled back into the barn for another go.

Tomorrow at this time, I'll be enjoying the sites and sounds of Jazz Fest in New Orleans. It was an unknowingly well timed vacation when it was booked back in January. I just hope I can fully enjoy it with these shitty circumstances hanging over my head right now.

4 comments:

Kate said...

The goats at Deanna Rose ate my shoe once...bastards. Frank said he had a lovely time spooning with the crazy lady the other night ;)Have fun in New Orleans!

Kurt said...

Welcome to the fold. We're a dirty lot but friendly. And we've got tons of free time to waste with you.

Vic said...

It completely sucks about your job - I'm really sorry. On the bright side, I laughed a lot at your post, and goats really are dicks. Everywhere. We had a goat when I was a kid who used to scare the horses, which was not great if you were on one at the time and they threw you off.

Hang in there.

Prosy said...

I love the image of you crying, covered in mud, slumped on a swing next to a nervous toddler. I mean this in the nicest way possible.

 

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