Saturday, May 16, 2009

The adventures of Tan Man

My apartment pool opened for the season yesterday and my unemployed ass was so excited to be able to spend the day roasting myself, reading inappropriate literature and waiting for the damn phone to ring. However opening day at the pool also happened to fall on cloudy, torrential downpour, tornado day, so I bitch slapped Mother Nature and took a nap during designated pool time instead.

After last night's macho mug beers and dancing with the shirtless gays, I dragged my ass home from Kate's this morning, replaced my pointy stilettos with flip flops, threw giant sunglasses on to cover up the black, smeary mascara eyes and headed outside in my clothes from last night to walk the dog...and that's when I spotted him...the Tan Man.

I knew it was only a matter of time before he reappeared since the pool opened back up yesterday. I only saw him once or twice during the long, cold winter, peeking out of his apartment across the street briefly, then scampering back into his hole like a little, skinny, middle-aged, balding, sun worshipping, hibernating rodent.

I almost missed our daily summer encounters when we would mutter a 'hello' to each other as he strolled his ass to the pool and I strolled little Andy around the block and then went back to work. Every time I managed to squeeze in a little pool time last summer, he was there. I would spot this freakish brown blob as I popped out of my apartment that would morph into this tan as hell man as I walked closer to the pool - in the same chair on the far side of the pool, in the same trunks, in the same position - legs spread eagle, a foot planted on each side of the lawn chair, just baking for HOURS...ALL DAY...EVERY DAY. Seriously, he's the tannest Caucasian man I've ever seen. He must secretly covet my apartment because it's closer to the pool and his blatant lover...the sun.

When I stepped out my front door in my slightly hungover state this morning, I did a double take when he walked by because it had been so long and I didn't recognize him without his brown, leathery exterior. But, there he was in his black Led Zeppelin T-shirt and green bandanna, carrying a boom box with his rather pasty chicken like legs sticking out of his blue trunks. I think I might have also seen a red cape with a Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil logo on it tied around his neck and flapping in the breeze behind him, but then again I might have still been buzzed from last night and had a slight hallucination.

Oh, what fun I'll have now, watching Tan Man build a proper base tan and see it progress into full blown, full body melanoma - something I completely missed out on last year, YAY!

People say the first lightening bug sighting means that summer is just around the corner, but in my world, it's the first sighting of the Tan Man.



miss. chief said...

ewwww i bet his skin feels like a leather couch

Eric said...

Hilarious... good writing.

Magic City College Girl said...

lol, tanning like that is just nasty. although i still find your post funny. he is your first sign of summer, lol.

Prosy said...

God, I almost wish I was unemployed so I could lay out all day. I think its hilarious when I see guys at the tanning bed. They sell these sock like thingies to put on their penises so they don't get burned. Wow, huh?

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what's worse, seeing that guy at the end of the summer, all leathery and scary or seeing me all glowing white like a lighthouse beacon and calculating how much I spent all year in sunscreen. :) For me it's white or red. Those are the only two options.

Vic said...

Tan man is like the summer groundhog. You know it's summer if he comes out of his hole and lies down in the sun.

Very funny.


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