Friday, May 8, 2009

Hell-Mart


I hate Wal-Mart mostly because every time I walk in there, I'm the only one in the store that bathes on a regular basis.

Shit, I could skip a shower for three days, run a couple of miles, then roll around in a shit covered cow pasture and not smell as bad as some of those people in there. I realize that most of them are obviously strapped for cash since they're buying their stylin' stretchy Jordache jeans and their future fiancee's "diamond" engagement ring there, but seriously? Toss some fucking Lever 2000 in the shopping cart with your Spam and oversized $3.99 Tweety Bird t-shirt. You can spare the few extra dollars. You stink!

I haven't been there in many moons since I switched to Target long ago, but for some reason my mom insisted she needed to go there instead.

At one point while staring longingly at all the ice cream (Mmmm yeah), I passed by a rather large man and his family and immediately smelled a mixture of horse stable, hairy man armpits and rotten produce. He seriously stunk up the entire freaking aisle so much so that after they had moved on, my mom joined me from another aisle to stare at the ice cream, crinkled up her nose and said, "ew it fricken stinks!" without even knowing fat man and the fam had been in the aisle earlier. Then she proceeded to exclaim about how she was "nauseous...seriously I'm going to vomit," while making gaggy, vomit noises.

I'm like, "I know mom, it was that guy! This is part of the reason I don't come to Wal-Mart."

I just don't understand how people don't know they stink...BAD. I mean, the dude's daughter was there. Isn't it part of a family member's duty to let their flesh and blood know that they are smelling up an entire aisle of the grocery store? I suppose daughter was also rather large so perhaps she was also contributing to the rancidness. Are they all just used to the stench and think it's normal?

"Why can't people just bathe?" I asked Mom in the car on the way home.

Mom's response, in a completely non-joking, serious, matter-of-fact tone: "Well, that guy was so big, he probably can't reach all the smell in all the rolls."

...and now I'm the one making the gaggy, vomiting noises...

4 comments:

Kate said...

1) You mom is awesome.

2) Tweety bird t-shirts...*shudder*

Walter said...

Plus, Walmarts are gigantic so you end up getting lost and stuck with the smell for hours.

Prosy said...

you're not lara anymore? Are you in witness protection again?

Harna said...

Oh, it's still my name, but Harna is a nickname. I keep seeing some unsavory lurkers on sitemeter so I decided to do just a lil somethin' somethin'.

 

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