Monday, May 11, 2009

The life of a forced deadbeat

Today is the three week anniversary of my layoff. I've spent the last three weeks staring at the computer screen until my eyes bleed half the time, then spent the other half of the time staring at the phone, talking to it and asking it very nicely to ring. Then it rings and it's the motherfucking dentist or the laser hair removal people reminding me of my appointment or lack there of and it takes all the strength in my body to refrain from verbally abusing the person on the other end for doing their job. Then I stare at my phone some more, but this time I am far more stern and it sounds more like, "Ring you asshole! And make it somebody good this time!"

The boy sent me an e-mail a few weeks ago that said something along the lines of, "you're defined by the difficult times in your life and one day you'll see that this layoff was the best thing that ever happened to you." I know what he means, but it's extremely difficult to see the good in this right now. Even the most positive of positive people can't be bright, cheery and positive 100 percent of the time. Plus, this incident has made me insane, not like kill people in cold blood insane, but just flying under the radar of the state kind of insane, so does that mean I'm now defined as a crazy bitch?

I mean seriously. I've started talking to my phone. I'm applying for everything short of a junior high school janitor (because, lets face it, I can barely clean my own toilet and I'd constantly be getting detentions for skipping class because the teachers would mistake me for a student disguised as a janitor) and I've gotten nothing. No takers. Nobody wants me. I've applied for, on average, two to three jobs per day, sometimes more, for a solid two weeks. You do the math. NOTHING.

I want to know who the hell is applying for these jobs? Who is my competition? I'm earnestly applying for these jobs that if I got lucky enough to get, I'm pretty sure I would want to stab my eyes out on a daily basis and would drive me to an even greater state of alcoholism because they would suck so bad, but I don't even care because it would be employment. Many of them require a high school diploma or a G.E.D. and the ability to speak, hear, stand and see well. Seriously. That's it. They're basically saying, if you're not mentally retarded and don't have any sort of physical impairment, you're qualified for the job.

I have a college degree, and not a B.S. in basket weaving mind you - a good solid degree and three good years of experience. I have writing, communication and computer skills up the fucking wazoo. Are all the doctors, lawyers and rocket scientists snatching up all the secretary, waitress and chimpanzee ass wiping jobs? Probably...Whores.

Perhaps I'm over qualified for some of these things and that's the problem, but goddammit, I might not be "challenged" at some of these places, but I'd be the best damn monkey ass wiper they ever had. Doesn't that count for anything?

One second I'm full of hope and have ideas about going to school for something else and really figuring out what my next step is going to be rather than frantically search for a job I'm going to loathe, then the next second I'm on the couch, alone in my dark apartment, half drunk on a month old bottle of Cabernet, crying into my pint of Ben and Jerry's and blubbering the question, "Can something please just NOT suck right now?"

And to further reiterate my crazy bitch/depressed state, I'd like to share a few activities I've been engaging in while resting my eyes from the computer screen:

- Persuading all of my employed friends to come to the bar at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday
No, just kidding. Yes, this situation has made my schedule quite clear in order to pretend like I'm 21 again and go get bombed every night, but then I remember that most of my people have to work at 8 a.m. and sitting at the bar alone for hours is pathetic however you want to spin it. Plus alcohol costs a lot of money, which I have none of, so there goes my social life unless I want to end up like the homeless and schizo, blue saxophone playing hosebeast on the street corner in Westport sans the saxophone because I don't have one, so then I'd have to just dance or take off my clothes on the street corner to earn my tips, which would land me in jail all the damn time and guess what? They don't serve alcohol in the slammer. Booor-ring.

- Watching horrible TV such as Keeping up with the Kardashians and Jersey Shore.
I don't care what anybody says - Kris Jenner (the mom Kardashian) is fucking hilarious. She is the epitome of crazy bitch, but not like the kind that you stay away from because you fear for your life, but the kind you want to be friends with and go out with on the weekends. I'd call her up and say, "Lets go party in Vegas!" and she's say, "Hell yeah!" then pay for everything. Then Bruce Jenner would rolls his eyes at us and our shenanigans, or as much as he's able to since his face is made of plastic. Then I'd get on the show and be such a trainwreck that they'd give me my own spin off and TA-DA! I'd be employed. BOO-YAH.

Oh, and did you know that everybody in New Jersey looks the exact same and talks the exact same and wears the exact same clothes? And when I say "clothes" I mean a piece of spandex that makes the girls ask each other to monitor each other's cookies so they don't fall out. And believe me, I'm no clothing prude. I'd totally go hang out on the Jersey Shore too except everybody would gasp when I walked into 'da club and say, who's that pale-skinned, black haired, non-fake titted vampire chick? Which would either make all the boys swoon or get me beat up Jersey bitch style because they don't like "different" people around...

- Improving my homemaker skills

Oh yes, behold, the place where the magic happens:

And you say, "what the fuck does she have to do all day besides find a job? Your room should be spotless!" Don't judge assholes. It's a genetic disorder. A disability. I'm not gross...just cluttery. It's not always just like this. Lay off me. Messy rooms are a sign of depression anyway. Notice the vacuum is poised in the ready position. It may even be plugged in, yet has not been turned on because by the time I think, "wow, I need to vacuum," it's after 10 p.m. and I try to not be one of those asshole apartment neighbors that makes a lot of noise at night unless you count making my dog howl at 3 a.m., but that's just because it's sooooo funny when he does it...Also, you likey the sheets? It's the boy's lil business, Twisted Linens, that needs to grow. Give him some love.

- Teaching my niece nuggets of wisdom

Me to Remi: "You really need to enjoy being 2 because it's way better than being 26 and having to work crappy jobs to make ends meet."

Remi: *confused stare*

Me: "...Unless you marry a sugar daddy."

Remi: "No, I Remi. I'm the best girl!"

Well, it looks like we've got a healthy self-esteem covered anyway. We'll continue with the financial lesson later.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have Cheetos and beer to consume, and much burping and figurative ball scratching to engage in...


Prosy said...

I graduated over a year ago (late) and I've yet to find a good job. I'm just going back to school to have something productive to do.

Anonymous said...

I work from home which is a fancy way of saying I slack off a lot by reading blogs and otherwise entertaining myself online and I swear, my eyes CRY. I have such bad eye strain some days yet I can't seem to tear myself away.

Good luck with the job thing. I've been in the same situation and it SUCKS BALLS.

miss. chief said...

good luck! i've been applying for idiot jobs and actually decided to take all my education off of my resume because i felt like it was hurting more than helping.
luckily for me i have at least a year of school left so i don't really have to worry about that junk yet. magical student loans will save me!

Vic said...

That's definitely the down side of having lots of time "off". Most of the people you know don't, so you're on your own.

Hang in there - Keeping my fingers crossed for the best job offer ever for you.

Kurt said...

Unemployment is like going to the hairdresser because you ...never mind that analogy sucks. Get a bathrobe. Than you feel like a queen. It totally helps.

Seriously though, I'm on month four of unemployment. It's tough, but with diligence you'll pull through.

LAURA said...

love this. love you.
I love the sheets, too.... will take a closer look

Magic City College Girl said...

i know what unemployment feels like too. I have 2 jobs right now, one is a regular job and the other is a part time one i do a few times a months (a little extra cash always helps). but before i got my main job just last month i was out of work for a year and a half. thats a long time. luckily i had family to stay with. i was going to school too but when financial aid was cut off i was on my own and am now trying to save the money to go back.

yes the job market sucks right now and i know it frustrating but you will find something. i had to do a lot to finally get a job. at times i felt like giving up but knew i couldnt. if you dont do anything, nothing will happen. if you keep at it you will get something soon too. yes many people, even college grads with bachelors and masters degrees are applying for idiot jobs b/c they have to. its tough for everyone right now and right now everyone needs money.


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