Saturday, May 23, 2009

The Tard Gardener

I think I was about 5 when I asked my mom if I could plant some flowers in the backyard garden. With Mom in an in-depth phone conversation and all the flowers already planted for the season, she sprinkled some popcorn kernels into my little hands and sent me into the backyard where I dropped the kernels into holes in the dirt I dug with my sandbox shovel.

A few weeks later everybody shit their pants when corn stalks sprung up in the garden. My mother's attempt to silence an impossible request and keep me busy resulted in an unexpected crop in her garden. Yes, my little 5-year-old ass grew popcorn in the backyard. I even brought some ears along with our ghetto ass popcorn popper to show and tell and made popcorn for my kindergarten class. People exclaimed about my green thumb and I was pretty sure from then on I was destined to be a master gardener with the ability to grow anything effortlessly.

Except pretty much every other attempt to grow anything has crashed and burned. My little kid vegetable garden complete with mini soaker hose did produce vegetables...for midgets. The turtle Chia Pet grew more mold than green leaves and every hanging plant I've ever stuck on the balconies of my apartments have croaked long before the summer was over. This is probably due to the preconceived notion that I could grow anything effortlessly...meaning that watering was whenever I remembered. Really? How long have you been reading this blog? I rarely leave the apartment without going back inside because I forgot something. Sometimes I even drive across town before I realize that I've forgotten a crucial item. Such as last week when I went to my parent's house to take pictures for an article I was writing, drove all the way there, then realized I forgot my camera. Now I don't want to be too cliche and say I would forget my ass if it wasn't attached, but I'm not sure how else to get my point across.

Anyway, now that it's warm and everything is blooming, I've been fantasizing about what I will plant in my garden once I save enough money...or realistically...marry a sugar daddy and can afford to own a house - purple Irises and roses and peonies and ivy crawling all over wrought iron benches and swings and trellises...and lawn gnomes. Lots of lawn gnomes with little red pointy hats. Then all I'd have to worry about was keeping it alive...Not the lawn gnomes of course because there's nothing creepier than statues that come to life...

With the donation of some potting soil, a large pot and an example of a cute little herb garden from Mom, after my interview on Thursday morning (yes, I said interview, which went well!) I wandered aimlessly around a make shift greenhouse in the parking lot of a Walgreens, picked out a few little babies, dug around in the dirt for a while and this is what I came up with to try to satisfy my urge to garden:

Chives, mint, basil, cilantro, rosemary and a jalapeno pepper plant. I am determined to make these things grow and keep them alive. I planted them much like I planted the popcorn kernels 21 years ago - clumsily and with little to no knowledge of gardening - just the love of playing in the dirt and planting, so maybe they'll actually take off. Maybe I'll even use them - learn to cook with them perhaps. And, if that doesn't work, just let the boy use them when he cooks dinner or use them for things not involving the evil stove - Chives and basil, good in salads, yes? Mint, can you say mojito? Cilantro and jalapenos, salsa, no cooking required. Rosemary? Um...It smells good? Notice the watering can. Who the hell could forget to water their plants when they have a frog prince watering can? Impossible I tell you. Even for me.

I also picked this lovely hanging plant up while I was there:

I just liked it because the flowers were cute and purple and yellow are so pretty together. The guy who got it down from the pipe it was hanging on for my short ass tried to talk "plant" to me including scientific names and shit and I was all, "yeah, thanks, just as long as I can keep it alive." Then I got it home and actually read the little tags stuck in the dirt. They're petunias of some kind I think and they apparently attract hummingbirds. Ya don't say? I love hummingbirds! They remind me of hanging out at my grandparents house in California watching them visit the feeders just outside the back window. Plus they're the only bird that's not a complete asshole. They're far too busy scrounging for nectar and their beaks are far too long and curved to peck my eyes out. Aww, little tiny bird visitors (yes, there are hummingbirds in Kansas) just as long as the big ass bees and their big ass stingers stay the fuck away.

Would you look how inviting this is:

Shit, I don't need a real job! Just call me Lara Stewart. This is like the apartment living version of Martha's Kansas. Now, grow little bitches grow!


miss. chief said...

it IS inviting. do you sit out there with a mint julep and write your memoirs out there? you need a rocking chair.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I love a nice garden full of flowers and veggies and lovliness, but honestly, I am the anti-Christ of gardening. I just have to look at flowers and they wither. I really WANT to be all good at it and yell "Worship my begonias!" but I'm a big dose of massive fail when it comes to anything garden related.

I'm really awesome at forgetting things however!

Magic City College Girl said...

i used to help my dad grow veggies in our yard. we had tomatoes, carrots, peppers, mint, cilantro, and corn also. its nice growing your own things. i especially love flowers, roses mostly. i grew alot of those too when i was younger. of course after a while my mom, being a bitch as usual, would eventually cut down all the roses saying that they werew going to die anyway. whatever. but you keep on growing and enjoying it. i love that inviting space of yours. its very nice.

Miss Yvonne said...

That frog watering can is the shit! Who cares if you can't make anything have that thing!

Amy said...

Harn! You must move your MINT! It is basically a weed, you can NEVER kill it, not even you, and it will take over your whole pot. It needs its own space so it doesn't choke the life out of your other herbacious herbs! I love herb gardens! So far mine has mint, cilantro, parsley, chives, 2 kinds of basil, thyme, oregano, sage and rosemary. There is nothing like a little patio oasis. ENJOY!

O, and you-me-drinky-drinky SOON!


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