Monday, June 8, 2009

Love Thy Neighbor...Unless (S)He's a Dickwad

Apartment living means lots of new neighbors at different times and I guess it's been a couple of months since the family-o-weirdos moved in downstairs.

At first I just started noticing a little boy with a blonde mullet tearing around the area on a scooter, their patio overrun with basketballs and toys and the grass around their entrances littered with tiny plastic dinosaurs and matchbox cars. I'm thinking great, I thought this community was just under the white trash radar, which prevents people who think it's OK to leave shit on their lawn and allow their child to run around with a mullet from moving in. If a rusted out car or a giant bathtub painted to look like a cow hide shows up as lawn decor, I'm complaining dammit.

Then I started noticing the rest of the family - a baby, an older couple and a younger couple, therefore I'm fairly sure six people live in a two bedroom apartment. What I assume is the daddy of the family also likes to zoom around on his extremely loud crotch rocket with his shirt completely unbuttoned allowing his chest hair to flap in the breeze like a giant douche. One time I walked past daddy and mullet boy on the sidewalk while walking the dog and daddy looked rather strung out on something. His eyes were slits and he gave me a sideways glance, but had no expression on his face. I smiled and said hi like most normal people do when they pass by somebody, or at least normal people in the Midwest, and he just stared at me silently and blankly all slitty eyed. I was like, fucking great, not only are they hillbillies, but they're rude crackheads too. I'm gonna be so pissed if their meth lab blows up and kills me dammit.

Every time I walk Andy past them, they shield their children and sort of cower as if I have leashed a full grown African lion and decided to walk him around the neighborhood to allow him to prey on small, blonde mullet-ed children who don't pick up their toys. It's a DOG and it's not even a big dog. He loves everybody. He might piss on you with glee, but that's about it.

I pass by, smile and say "Hi!," and not only do they not return the greeting, but they stare at me like I'm the anti-Christ. I don't get it.

Usually they're pretty quiet, but at one point I noticed that they weren't speaking English. OOOOH! OK! I thought, they're from another country and they're just kind of disoriented and trying to get used to the environment. This may also explain Daddy's perpetual open shirt. I'm guessing Germany for some reason. I'll have to eavesdrop a little better next time they speak. We hosted a German exchange student when my sister was in high school and there were definitely some cultural differences and language barriers that were gradually resolved before we all felt completely comfortable, but then it was like having another sister. I'll cut them some slack for the cultural shock, but I'm pretty sure there are still manners in Germany and they can understand and acknowledge a simple greeting.

I saw the young couple and their kids at the nearby park yesterday - daddy's hairy nipples waving at me from underneath his unbuttoned shirt, blonde mommy at his side pushing a stroller with a happy, screechy infant inside and mullet boy hanging from the playground equipment. I, of course, flash a friendly smile....and they stare at me. Silent, blank, creepy, slitty-eyed stares. I'm all, if you're going to be fucking creepy, just ignore me and don't look at me because now you're going to haunt my dreams with your "Children of the Corn" likeness.

OK, so they sort of have an excuse. The chick next door on the other hand, does not. She's just an asshole. Her boyfriend is always extremely friendly and smiley and always says hello. On the rare occasions that I do see her, she acts extremely annoyed that there are other humans on the planet besides her and how dare they be near her the moment she's decided to emerge from her lair. This is usually followed by a loud, pissy sigh and lots of eye contact avoidance. Never once has she smiled or initiated a greeting. I always say hi and sometimes when she's feeling like just a regular bitch instead of a completely heinous bitch, she mutters something back under her breath. This has become sort of game to me. I feel like greeting her in a ridiculous way every time just to see what kind of a reaction I get out of her. I'd be all, "Hel-LOOOOOOOOOOO! (opera voice)" or "HAAAAAAAAAY! What up HO?!" But, this may prove to be a fatal experiment because then she'll probably look at me, then lasers will shoot out of her eyes and kill me instantly. I will not let that bitch take me down.

Are your neighbors this wretched or have they all just decided to move in next door to me? Maybe they won't resign the lease.

- Photo at - awesome site BTW.


Anonymous said...

I laughed my ass off reading that. Mainly because it was hysterical and you put things so hilariously and partly because I can so relate.

When I lived in NYC I had a great array of ever changing neighbours. There was the shy attorney. She was quiet and quite lovely and I didn't appreciate her the whole four years I lived next door to her until she moved out and the couple from hell moved in. They appeared to have a wooden loft bed that banged against the goddamn wall every night when they were getting their freak on, accompanied by loud shrieking.

The first time it happened I truly thought the girl might be in danger till I figured out they were just loud freaks getting jiggy wit it.

After they moved out, this guy moved in who looked like Pete Wentz on amphetamines and every day till the small hours of the morning a parade of different chicks would come over and stomp around in their concrete shoes, on his hardwood floors, laughing loudly and making me homicidal. I was quite impressed with his womanizing abilities till I found out he was a photographer and the women were bondage models he was photographing in his home for his portfolio then I just thought he should probably get an office and quit making noise when I was trying to sleep. I'd meet his models in the corridor sometimes - the scariest looking girls you ever saw - and they'd all give me the stink eye. He was like your neighbours - if you tried to acknowledge his existence he'd blank you. I called the cops on him on a couple of occasions they were so loud. You have to be pretty close to the anti christ for me to call the law on your ass, but he was just an inconsiderate douchebag who wore too much eyeliner.

The only real exchange with him was one night around 2am he woke me up hammering on my door because he'd set his kitchen on fire and wanted to know if I had a fire extinguisher.

I had some other neighbours round back who were frat boys. Seven of them in a big apartment. They'd have parties every Friday and Saturday and sometimes in between. This might be fine in dorms or college communities but mine was mainly older people and working couples etc. so this didn't go down too well. One of my nice neighbours and I spent one especially awesome Saturday night at 4am on our roof, drinking beer and hurling eggs at them. They stopped after that.

Wow, that was a ramble, huh?

Logical Libby said...

See, I was going to be sympathetic to your white trash dilemma, but then you pulled out the German thing, and now your neighbors just seem so "European."

It happens.

Kate said...

The guy who lives in the apartment directly above us came out onto his balcony for a few minutes on Friday night while Sam, John and I were hanging out on the patio. We tried waving and saying hello a couple of times, but he just kept staring off into the sunset like we totally weren't there. I think he might make people into lampshades.

Kurt said...

You know what sucks worse than white trash neighbors? Me neither. I'll go ask mine once he's done feeding the ducks he keeps in a large plastic sweater box on the front porch.

Dingo said...

Mullet, hairy nipples, unintelligible speech? Are you sure they aren't filming Deliverance II in your neighborhood? Do me a favor, if you hear banjos, pick up Andy and RUN!

Vic said...

Well, you know about my neighbors. They're relatively friendly, but insane. Every last one of them.
We, too, have a duck man, the gazing ball man who is running his own private tacky lawn ornament emporium, and the slack-jawed neighbor boy.

Be glad they don't speak to you or you might get invited over for some road kill stew.

Harna said...

@ VA - Whoa! You wrote a blog within a blog! But, good stories should be shared. I think you've one upped me for now with the bondage guy unless I start seeing more randos walking around with mullet boy and screechy infant.

@LL - Do Europeans normally stare at you all creepy-like and not speak back to you when you speak to them? I can sort of understand blaming the mullet and the open shirt on the European-ness, but the creepy silence?

@ Kate - I think you would make a lovely lampshade!

@ Kurt - I still can't get over the ducks...or the fact that they're still alive...Here's hoping they don't throw the chick carcasses into your yard.

@ Dingo - I'm fully prepared for this. Andy will probably piss on them at some point, but I'm sure a little doggie golden shower won't deter them.

@ Vic - It kind of makes you wonder what they say about you...I mean, maybe bitch next door calls me "loud zydeco music girl," except I never really play it that loud...usually...

Sam said...

I'm not convinced that the guy upstairs will make us into lampshades. But, I figured he'd be less of a douchenozzle. I mean, he is a soccer fan and most soccer fans are a good natured lot with minimal ill intent toward others (with the exception of English Premier League fans - those fuckers are INSANE).

Prosy said...

Haha. I used to have neighbors that kept an old couch on their front patio and a pitbull tied to the stairs. But they were very nice actually.
You have to watch out for those meth-lab running German immigrants. They will stare you down until you give up and move and then they will rent your apartment so they don't have to live 12 to a room

thatsilverlining said...

We used to have a psycho ex-neighbor. She once accused our cat of putting 3 ft long scratches in her car. Another time she came over yelling and cussing at us (in front of company) saying that our boxer dog (who had been inside all night) had attacked her pomeranian and broken its let. "YOU'RE IN FUCKING TROUBLE!" Theeeeen she had the audacity to ask me to babysit her autistic 2 year old daughter. Yeahhhh.

LAURA said...

I think my worst one was a couple who lived right above me with a newborn. I could hear that thing crying all the time and them yelling and arguing with eachother and stomping down the hall to get the baby or whatever. I am soo lucky because that only lasted about 2 months before they moved on. Now I don't hear anyone... Mark and I are probably the load annoying ones now


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