Monday, June 8, 2009
Love Thy Neighbor...Unless (S)He's a Dickwad
Apartment living means lots of new neighbors at different times and I guess it's been a couple of months since the family-o-weirdos moved in downstairs.
At first I just started noticing a little boy with a blonde mullet tearing around the area on a scooter, their patio overrun with basketballs and toys and the grass around their entrances littered with tiny plastic dinosaurs and matchbox cars. I'm thinking great, I thought this community was just under the white trash radar, which prevents people who think it's OK to leave shit on their lawn and allow their child to run around with a mullet from moving in. If a rusted out car or a giant bathtub painted to look like a cow hide shows up as lawn decor, I'm complaining dammit.
Then I started noticing the rest of the family - a baby, an older couple and a younger couple, therefore I'm fairly sure six people live in a two bedroom apartment. What I assume is the daddy of the family also likes to zoom around on his extremely loud crotch rocket with his shirt completely unbuttoned allowing his chest hair to flap in the breeze like a giant douche. One time I walked past daddy and mullet boy on the sidewalk while walking the dog and daddy looked rather strung out on something. His eyes were slits and he gave me a sideways glance, but had no expression on his face. I smiled and said hi like most normal people do when they pass by somebody, or at least normal people in the Midwest, and he just stared at me silently and blankly all slitty eyed. I was like, fucking great, not only are they hillbillies, but they're rude crackheads too. I'm gonna be so pissed if their meth lab blows up and kills me dammit.
Every time I walk Andy past them, they shield their children and sort of cower as if I have leashed a full grown African lion and decided to walk him around the neighborhood to allow him to prey on small, blonde mullet-ed children who don't pick up their toys. It's a DOG and it's not even a big dog. He loves everybody. He might piss on you with glee, but that's about it.
I pass by, smile and say "Hi!," and not only do they not return the greeting, but they stare at me like I'm the anti-Christ. I don't get it.
Usually they're pretty quiet, but at one point I noticed that they weren't speaking English. OOOOH! OK! I thought, they're from another country and they're just kind of disoriented and trying to get used to the environment. This may also explain Daddy's perpetual open shirt. I'm guessing Germany for some reason. I'll have to eavesdrop a little better next time they speak. We hosted a German exchange student when my sister was in high school and there were definitely some cultural differences and language barriers that were gradually resolved before we all felt completely comfortable, but then it was like having another sister. I'll cut them some slack for the cultural shock, but I'm pretty sure there are still manners in Germany and they can understand and acknowledge a simple greeting.
I saw the young couple and their kids at the nearby park yesterday - daddy's hairy nipples waving at me from underneath his unbuttoned shirt, blonde mommy at his side pushing a stroller with a happy, screechy infant inside and mullet boy hanging from the playground equipment. I, of course, flash a friendly smile....and they stare at me. Silent, blank, creepy, slitty-eyed stares. I'm all, if you're going to be fucking creepy, just ignore me and don't look at me because now you're going to haunt my dreams with your "Children of the Corn" likeness.
OK, so they sort of have an excuse. The chick next door on the other hand, does not. She's just an asshole. Her boyfriend is always extremely friendly and smiley and always says hello. On the rare occasions that I do see her, she acts extremely annoyed that there are other humans on the planet besides her and how dare they be near her the moment she's decided to emerge from her lair. This is usually followed by a loud, pissy sigh and lots of eye contact avoidance. Never once has she smiled or initiated a greeting. I always say hi and sometimes when she's feeling like just a regular bitch instead of a completely heinous bitch, she mutters something back under her breath. This has become sort of game to me. I feel like greeting her in a ridiculous way every time just to see what kind of a reaction I get out of her. I'd be all, "Hel-LOOOOOOOOOOO! (opera voice)" or "HAAAAAAAAAY! What up HO?!" But, this may prove to be a fatal experiment because then she'll probably look at me, then lasers will shoot out of her eyes and kill me instantly. I will not let that bitch take me down.
Are your neighbors this wretched or have they all just decided to move in next door to me? Maybe they won't resign the lease.
- Photo at mulletjunky.com - awesome site BTW.