Thursday, June 11, 2009

Recapping the Moments of My Life

Kate while riding in my backseat: "You have the most random shit in your backseat - blanket, towel, paper towels...hubcap."

Me: "Actually that's not a hubcap, that's a stovetop grill that your future husband gave me, so even better."

Kate: "What? I didn't know such a thing existed."

Lacey in front seat: "Neither did I."

Me: "Me either."

What they didn't know is just last week, I also had an antique typewriter clacking around back there and before that, two boxes of blue dishes. Often times you will also find a Jack Russell Terrier seizing around back there in case it wasn't evident by the layer of white needle-like hair covering all surfaces. I wouldn't advise you to look in my trunk.

Another important piece of information is that this conversation took place while driving to a regional air guitar competition in which Lacey was a judge.


I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond yesterday and managed to dodge most of the happy smug couples with their wedding registry scanners on my quest to find some shelves for my living room.

After wandering aimlessly for a while, I began to notice that it was apparently hat day at BB&B and sadly I had not received the memo. All the employees were walking around wearing firefighter hats. And not like the real ones. I'm talking the bright red, plastic children's hats that say "Fire Chief" on them and are meant to fit on a child's small head....they looked..."special."

After I found my shelves I began to wander again, but after about three people in ill-fitting plastic hats asked me if I needed a cart for my 2.5 pound box I had tucked under my arm, I decided I needed to get the hell out of there.

I headed to the register where I was greeted by another cockeyed fireman's hat wearing dude. Now this is the ultimate in employee degradation. It's worse than the McDonald's visors or crap brown UPS uniforms, but not quite as bad as the giant wiener hat Ashley had to wear on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I'm just glad my unemployment pays me more than I would make working here or this would be my fate right now. My red, plastic, Fire Chief fate. Except I'd probably get out of wearing one because I have this abnormally large head. I would look like my little boys on my St. Patrick's Day tiny hat adventure and it would keep falling off into the aisles creating a hazard for customers.

Me to checker guy: "I bet you're thrilled it's hat day."

Checker guy: "*smirks* It's fire safety month, so we'll be wearing these all month long."

Well, in that case, I'll be back in July.


My parents and I were sitting on their couch Monday night eating dinner and watching all that Monday night television has to offer when somehow the topic of huge cheeseburgers came up.

Dad: "What do they call Hardee's out West?" (reminiscing about when they lived in Reno, Nevada a few years ago)

Me: "Carl's Jr."

Dad: "Yeah, Carl's Jr. One time they were advertising the guacamole burger and it was one of those commercials where this giant burger falls from the sky and guacamole sloshes all over the place. Well I got a guacamole burger once and it was goooood, but there was no neat way to eat it. It just gets everywhere."

Me: "What I don't understand is how somebody finishes one of those things. You would take these monstrous shits."

Mom: (sneering up face, but laughing)

Dad: "....Yeah, monstrous, well-lubricated shits."

Me: "Dad just took it a step further."

Mom: (cracking up)

Me: "....And that's why I like him."

(Trio of laughter)


Miss Yvonne said...

Your Dad is awesome.

Dingo said...

An Air Guitar competition? I don't even know what to say to that, so let's just move on to well lubricated poos, I know what to say to that --- Ew.


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