Monday, July 13, 2009

Dodging a Bullet


There are countless reasons to dump someone - they're abusive, they're psychotic, they're an unmotivated loser, they banged their co-worker, they've lost that lovin' feeling, they went to the bar and got a glass of water...

Wait...Huh?

Remember that dance club full-o-douche also known as dating that I'm currently trapped in and fucking hate? Yeah, opportunity number one to get the hell out of there...FAILED...already...

I'm not necessarily a believer in rebounds, but I am a believer in seizing opportunities, so when a good looking guy and his friends approached my friends and me the night after I ran screaming from my last relationship a couple of weeks ago, naturally I took the bait said hey, why not?

Throughout the next couple of weeks over the phone, dinner, drinks and meeting each other's friends I found out he was also a police officer with horrendous hours that overloaded his iPod with country music, kept a strict schedule, avoided variety, rarely laughed at my eccentricities, failed to finish college and kept uncomfortably quiet in unknown crowds of people. But, on the other hand, he was also my age, seemingly kind, a compromiser, had his shit together, owned a house, loved dogs, was complimentary and was vocal about his immense interest in me.

Hmmmm, so we've got the good, the bad and now, here comes the psycho ugly...

Everything seemed to be normal Wednesday night - a few drinks with my friends, a few drinks with his - then we stuck around with his friends to play some darts and other games at the back of the bar when the beer and the vodka caught up to me and I suddenly found myself shitfaced. In an effort to avoid doing something to make an ass out of myself such as trip over my own feet and fall down or projectile vomit on my date and his friends while they played Guitar Hero, I excused myself, found an open bar stool at the bar up front and began sipping water.

A happy little drunk, I stared blankly at ESPN listening to my head go "bzzzz" and occasionally chatted with the bartender who was introduced to me earlier by police officer and his friends who knew him, until a while later when police officer and his pals came up, said we were leaving and we headed out the door.

I soon suspected something was wrong by the subtle hints he dropped such as his refusal to speak to me, his attempt to make my eardrums bleed with blaring, screaming rock music and the giant handful of dip he shoved in his lip then began spitting into an empty water bottle. Fucking SICK. Why didn't he just drop trou and take a fat shat on the dashboard in front of me?

Instantly annoyed with his unjustified reaction to whatever the hell set him off, I hung out and waited until he parked in front of my apartment to turn down said angry mohawk rock to ask, "What's wrong?"

It took a couple of tries to get him to spit it out, but he eventually turned to glare at me and replied in a slightly raised, I'm-done-with-you, condescending tone, "You left me in the back to go up to the bar so you could flirt with other guys."

The week before he told me he could get jealous sometimes, but that nonchalant warning didn't quite prepare me for this magnitude of douchebaggery. I'm not sure what he was jealous of - the barstool because it delicately cradled my ass or the straw in my glass of water because I constantly had my lips wrapped around it.

Once it was out, he turned to stone. I talked to a brick wall for a few minutes, explained the situation, reiterated the fact that while I did nothing wrong, I was also NOT his girlfriend and I was also allowed to do things on my own, you know, like that whole women's lib thing. And, we were still getting to know each other - behaviors, reactions, personalities - and this was just part of the whole getting to know you process - nothing to get upset about.

*silence*

*sulking*

*dickwadishness*

He was clearly done with this whole thing and not because I was abusive or psycho or banged my co-worker, but because I had gotten a glass of water. Just to make sure, I asked, "So you're just going to end this over a glass of water?" "A GLASS OF WATER?"

"Yep."

At that point, although it's a bit blurred with vodka and disbelief, I believe I called him a fucking douche in some form or another, slammed the car door behind me and tromped up to my apartment, alone and barefoot with my stilettos dangling from my fingers. I haven't heard from him since.

Before he revealed his inner, hidden jackass, he was just...OK - Nothing spectacular, nothing wonderful; vanilla, and that's simply just not good enough for me. However, even though I dodged a bullet, it's still disheartening. There's a huge difference between dating somebody, then realizing that you're just not compatible and dating freak after douche after psycho.

I mean, shit, it shouldn't be this hard to find somebody to hang out with that doesn't call me a cunt for my lack of commitment to domestic responsibilities or run away from me when I put party hats on my boobs like Madonna's cone bra in the middle of a crowded bar...or fling himself into a jealous rage over a glass of H2O.

*SIGH* Next time I'll just forget about the water and go ahead and let the chunks fly...all over doucherocket, his obnoxious friends and the goddamn, arcade style Guitar Hero. Perhaps that would a little more ladylike.

10 comments:

erin said...

Wow. I can't stand when men are awkward in crowds...Jeremiah always pushes through them or takes over so I don't get smooshed or handled or fondled.

You need to find the best boyfriend you had in high school (I ran into mine on the street in a different city than we both grew up in 7 years and three kids with my ex husband later), fuck him (the sooner the better, we waited through dinner) and live happily ever after. That's what I did. Perfecto Chango.

Dingo said...

I am sincerely hoping that even if he hadn't dumped you that you would've seen his dickish douchebagness for what it was and dumped him. You would have, right? RIGHT?! Or maybe stayed with him long enough to get good blogging stories but not long enough for him to turn all stalkerish.

miss. chief said...

hahahha i'd say you dodged a bullet. you need to find a confident self-suffient someone who has a sense of humor. or nobody.
you sound too cool to associate with dickwads like that.

kate said...

I was a little thrown by his story about the messed-up-crack-baby that he told us about...when Lacey asked if he had called Child Services, he just laughed, looked all confused and goes "..why?" He was definitly WAAAAY to vanilla (and apparently nutty) for you.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Good Lord, is he insecure much? You know what though? It's dating idiots like that who make you appreciate the good one when he finally comes along. I think we've all met someone like Mr. Douche there. If he's that busted up over you getting a glass of water imagine the scene when you're out without him and he finds out you talked to someone with a PENIS! I think you win.

Magic City College Girl said...

i definitely say you dodged a bullet. what a freak. he has issues. i mean, come on, of this guy acts that way because you simply sat at the bar and had a glass of water. image having a relationship with him. he seems to be the controlling it has to be my way type. whatever. be glad you didnt waste too much time on him and move on. thanks for sharing.

Lana said...

that assclown is going to end up with a loser of a girlfriend who puts up with that crap, or alone forever.

i think you should just call him practice anyway.


ps. i just found your blog and i love how you write, reminds me of me, and i love myself. so you know, now that's all out in the open, hi :)

Harna said...

Erin - That's the best love story I've ever heard, but I'm fairly certain my high school bf might be a sociopath. Eek! See, my ability to reel in the "good ones" has a long history.

Dingo - YES! See, I'm kind of annoyed because I'm all, "dude, you aren't even that cool!" so eventually yes, I would have gotten bored and told him to hit the road, but he decided to be CRAZY instead. YAY!

M.C. - Yeah, I think I'm pretty cool too most of the time, thanks. This guy was OK since he decided to bust out the douchebag in less than a month in, so I wasted minimal time.

Kate - Yeah, he's a DICK with no soul. I think when he started saying things like, "Oh my god! He got away from his wife!" when he was talking about his friend being out with the guys, I got a little suspicious about his cavemanish ways.

VA - Short man syndrome, I think and probably some coaxing from his miserable, doucherocket friend who's probably not even kind to his own grandmother. I totally win.

MCCG - He wouldn't have been able to handle all of my independent ways. I've never been so happy to have been dumped.

Lana - I'm really fucking sick of practice, but I do agree that he is definitely an assclown who will probably find a lovely pea-brained dumbass to settle down with. Thank you and thank you for reading!

Prosy said...

I'm about two seconds away from starting an "I Hate Boys Club"
luckily there are gay men out there to redeem the species

Organic Meatbag said...

Wow, damn, girl... I guess in hindsight, it is better than it ended early before there was something that really set him off, like, oh...wiping your noose with a kleenex...that might have made him taser some unsuspecting guy next to him...geez...

 

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