Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Love Affair...With a Toilet?

After chatting with my friend Jeff the other day and watching a particular segment about home resale value on HGTV, a memory of my recent Vegas trip resurfaced about bidets. Don't ask me why I was having a conversation about a device that gives you a water enema with one of my guy friends. I've never claimed to be a normal person...

However, I am a practical person. Sometimes so practical that I annoy myself. So, when I walked into the bathroom of the MGM Grand hotel suite where Kate and Sam's reception took place and found myself face to face with my first bidet, I immediately began asking questions and thinking about it's purpose. Sure, I've seen them on TV before, but since these are not installed in the majority of bathrooms in the United States and seem to be reserved for Europeans and rich people, I've never actually seen one in person.

After much examination from afar without actually using the contraption, I learned that you are not actually supposed to "go" in the bidet, but rather in the toilet, then shimmy the three feet across the bathroom for a rinse. This allowed me to provide this valuable piece of information to the rest of the wedding guests: "Do NOT poop in the bidet!" I yelled it kind of a lot during the trip, which made me laugh every time and may or may not have prompted the bride and/or groom's family members to refer to me as "the bridesmaid with Tourette's." Ha! It reminded me of a scene out of "Dumb and Dumber" or something except in the movie Harry or Lloyd would have actually pooped in the bidet before realizing that you weren't supposed to.

Another guy friend of mine purchased one of those high tech Japanese toilets some time ago, so I've learned all about the different features of those. Apparently you can push a button to choose between a front spray or a back spray along with the temperature of the water. Some even have little dryers in them, which, in my opinion, would seem like blowing a hair dryer up your ass therefore making me quite terrified of this feature. There's also a deodorizer option on some models to remedy that not so fresh feeling I suppose.

The guy on the HGTV home resale show was absolutely RAVING about his high tech toilet claiming that he would never trade it for anything, that he hadn't used a square of toilet paper since he purchased it and the time he spent on the toilet was the "best 10 minutes" of his day, every day. Really dude? Does anyone else find that disturbing and kind of sad? His wife sitting next to him rolled her eyes at the comment and dismissed his beloved toilet. I guess I would probably be pretty annoyed too if the best 10 minutes of my husband's day was spent having naked time with a squirting, hot air shooting toilet rather than with me. That guy must really enjoy a perpetually clean and deodorized asshole...but, come to think of it, who doesn't?

While I sort of "get" the whole concept of a built in bidet on a toilet, I certainly don't understand the freestanding bidet. It just seems so impractical. Like I said, you go in the toilet, then toddle over to the bidet with your pants around your ankles? Or, is it proper to remove your pants completely? Then, you hover over this thing, twist around to reach the faucets, water flows out like a drinking fountain and then...what? So, it's a essentially an ass sink, except what do you do when you're done? You can't just shake the excess water off your ass like you do your hands then go about your day and there were no towels, nor TP nearby for drying purposes. What is proper bidet etiquette? Inquiring minds must know.

This article and this article are quite helpful in answering some of those burning questions, but not all of them to my liking. The shimmying from one porcelain receptacle to another and drying parts are what get me and my opinion of impracticality still stands on this one. Apparently you must prepare for the drying step before making your jaunt to the bidet in my particular case. Eh, I'm sure you'd get used to it although I think it's safe to say that I'm hopelessly American and I'm OK with that.

...But, you can't knock something until you try it, plus, hey, it's Vegas...so, of course I tried it... and the outcome?

A hopeless American with an impractically wet ass. Just as I suspected.


Anonymous said...

I was reading a blog recently and feeling fucking awful for a girl who had to give herself an enema before a medical procedure. I'm squirming just thinking about messing around with liquids in my forbidden cavern, thank you very much. ICK! I used a bidet in France once. I felt ridiculous. It was all "Do I hover or sit on it or what? How do I dry my bum?" It's a miracle I leave the house really.

Lana said...

no way no how, it just seems unnatural. you're brave for even giving it a try.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

There was a bidet once in a hotel we stayed at when I was little. I remember my brother and I stared at it, and after a few minutes he bent over to take a drink. My mom pulled him back by the neck of his shirt.

I have to say, though, an asshole rinse doesn't sound half bad.

miss. chief said...

Is the water heated at all? Or is it just like freezing water flying at your ass?

Luna said...

i'm agree with you. i don't understand the freestanding bidet either. i used one once at my godmothers house and it was annoying.

Dr Zibbs said...

Good one.


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