Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Doggie Style

I'm exhausted.

Constantly trying to make sure dogs don't bone each other in front of live Web cams for hours is hard work. That's a big part of my new job as a "Camp Counselor" at a doggie day and overnight camp.

Dogs will be dogs and dogs are slutty. I mean, like REALLY slutty. Like more slutty than teenagers and most of the men I encounter and run away from on the weekends. Of course, we probably wouldn't be so strict about it if their parents weren't able to jump on the Internet and see how their little darlings were doing throughout the day. I'm like hell-oooo, your parents can see you boning right now...gross. And, no, I'm not going to give you the Web address so you can watch me at work and point and laugh at me while I constantly separate horny Labs and German Sheppards because that's just creepy. You know what we call the pain in the ass dogs that never stop thrusting? Serial humpers. That's my new insult for the slutty weekend douchebag encounters:

"You're being a total serial humper, asshole. No more talkie. Shoo."



STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Other parts of my new part time gig include bathing dogs, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, scrubbing...I'm pretty sure this place is cleaner than my apartment. Ah, uniforms, manual labor and slave wages — go me and my college degree. I'm sure it sounds way awesome to you and you're jealous because you don't get to mop up urine and shit like a doggie janitor, but no joke, I'm actually enjoying it so far. I've lived a strange and meandering existence the past year; one that I've loathed and fought 90 percent of the time, so having a steady job and really working for my paycheck is pretty rewarding.

Of course I'm also suddenly feeling in demand. I was offered another doggie daycare job yesterday, which is full time and I was planning on quitting the first one to take advantage of the second one's full time offer, but then I got another call today about interviewing for an office job. WHAT. THE. HELL. Employers have avoided me like the Black Plague for nearly a goddamn year and now I will have had five interviews and two job offers in two weeks. Ridiculous. Now my biggest concern is not unemployment, but figuring out how I'm going to maneuver through and time this influx of jobs just right in order to grab to best possible opportunity. Hmmm, yes, this would probably be one of the best times to not fuck it up...no pressure.

Also funny? Chelsea Handler's new book "Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang, Bang." I thoroughly snorted and gasped my way through her first two books and with everything else going on in my life, I'm slowly making my way through the third one. I'm a huge fan of this woman. People call me irreverent, but this chick says and writes things that make me blush and go, "Oh hell no, you couldn't pay me enough money to publish information like that about myself for everyone in the world to see."

Even more funny? My 78-year-old aunt purchased this book and started reading it. *hehehehehe* I guess my mom and her were at the bookstore and when she chose Miss Handler's collection of stories as one of her books, my Mom goes, "Uuummm, Lara likes her. I don't think you'll like the language." But, my aunt just said she wanted to give it a try. I nearly fainted when my Mom told me that my aunt was going to embark on this reading adventure mainly because this book is the exact opposite of anything she would ever enjoy reading or find funny. In fact, images of my aunt burning the book in disgust flashed through my head. And, don't act like your grandma wouldn't do the same thing.

Seriously though, the book begins like this: "To my brothers and sisters. What...a bunch of assholes."

Then, the first chapter describes in great detail Chelsea's early discovery and subsequent obsession with masturbation.

Apparently, my aunt laughed at it at first, then put it in a drawer after the fourth chapter deciding that it was too naughty.

While I keep any personal sexual activity private, I still don't think my aunt would be a fan of my writing.

5 comments:

kate said...

She made it all the way through chapter 4? That's pretty good for 78 :)

Megs said...

This should make you feel better:

I have a master's degree in science and I spend a lot of my day scanning, copying, faxing, and e-mailing useless crap for 4 different bosses with lower degrees, and a few people without even a high school diploma.

mylittlebecky said...

at least you can add professional de-humper to your resume! congrats on your new found jobular popularity. i hope you find something great.

Luna said...

congrats on the job. i knew you would get one of them. i have been through the same thing where i didnt work for a long time and suddenly have a bunch of interviews or job offers in a week. if you are happy where you are i say good for you. i know alot of people with 2 jobs right now. i would say pick the job you like best and go for it or accept one of the fulltime offers and keep working part time at the doggie daycare (if the timing works for you). you will make a lot of extra money and if anything happens to one job you will still have the other.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Congrats on the job!! It always happens that way: when it rains, it pours.

I myself would stay at the dog humping job, because that sounds like the most awesome one.

And thank you for the book review. Am on my way out to get it now!!!

 

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