I’ve talked to more strangers than I would have ever cared to through craigslist including one dude named Chuck, who answered the phone after several rings with garbled, strained and slightly pissy speech:
“Can I help you?”
I could tell Chuck was probably an enormous fat man with eight chins that I had interrupted while he was in the middle of devouring a pastrami sandwich.
“Is this Chuck?” I asked timidly.
*Garble BAH! Garble Garble* The phone cuts out, then nothing.
I didn’t call back.
The apartment of my dreams might have gotten away from me with that phone call, but probably not if Chuck’s in charge.
By the way, the flight attendant looks like Pricilla Presley.
Also, the dude that checks your ID and boarding pass before you go through security looked like fat LL Cool J and he verbally molested me under his breath. He was all, “(quiet mutter) look at you and your sexy ass self.” Wha?
Then, security shut down and we had to stand around for all eternity, which prompted some creepy asswipe to ask me if he could cut in front of me in the security line because he “had been standing there for 20 minutes and was going to miss it if he didn’t.” As if I hadn’t been standing there just as long and as if they would just let planes take off when most of the passengers were stuck in stand still security. Dumbshit. I told him to
I’m thinking about purchasing a taser when I get there just in case I have to go buck wild crazy ninja on someone’s scary craigslist rapist ass. I’m also not afraid to punch a leasing consultant in the mouth if they try to get all pushy. Other than that I’m cool, calm and collected…or the exact opposite of that.
OK, day one is done. No punching or tasering necessary. I did find a place I liked, a little further east of the city than I would have like, but nice and put down a small, refundable deposit to hold it until I look at the rest of these joints. One lady didn’t show up to the appointment, but the apartment was like a jankety ass prison from the outside and it made me all shivery just looking at it’s nastiness, so perhaps it’s good she was a flaky biotch. Then, one of the other places that I was pretty excited about called and said they rented all of their apartments….god dammit!
Eh, take the good with the bad. I have four, possibly five to look at tomorrow, then it’s time to sign my life away…and accept the fact that I will be utilizing public transportation…a LOT.
Now, I’m off to dinner with friends….while my Mom stays in the hotel room swilling vodka that she asked my friend Whitney to pick up for her on her way to pick me up from the hotel. I think I might have stressed her out a little today…