Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Teach Me How To Be In Debt

My first semester of grad school was full of surprises and learning experiences, meeting new friends...and assholes with God complexes. Business school is the epitome of a "man's world," an expression I've always hated. I spent four months being partly amused, partly ferocious and partly diplomatic trying to coax some of my male counterparts out of the stone age and into a more productive world where they work with me instead of against me. It was ridiculous. I guess it's still hard for some guys to accept a woman as their equal or better rather than just an ego stroking, sandwich making, baby machine. Yes, because I'm spending 40K-ish on an MBA for a shot at domesticity...yeah, not gonna happen.

For example, quoting a certain exasperated ex-boyfriend of mine, "God! Why do you have to be such a guy all the time?!"

Well, somebody had to be the man in that relationship...pansy ass...

Anyway, the combination of complexity, time consumption and fighting cave men was exhausting (and resulted in kick ass grades, by the way, so suck it GMAT test creators. My crappy score on your crappy exam apparently indicates the exact opposite of what you believe it to.), so I spent the last month treating myself to some much needed and well deserved R, R & I — Rest, Relaxation and Intoxication.

I drove the nine hours back to Kansas City a few days after my last final exam and ended up staying three and a half weeks. A little longer than expected, but I blame that on my love for Kettle One dirty martinis, a snowstorm and a dead car battery.

There also might have been an incident involving me parading around town in a hideous Christmas sweater, green tights and red pumps, then waking up in said sweater, tights and pumps; another hilarious "Recession Christmas" with the girlfriends where we buy each other horrendous thrift store gems as well as proudly being one of the winos and showing off my mad Catch Phrase skills (which are directly related to the amount of wine I drink) at family Christmas.

An extremely hazy New Year's Eve followed, where I sported sweatpants and tennis shoes under my dress with my real shoes in my purse while walking running to and from the party in frigid temperatures.

While at the party, I was carried around by a large, hairy man that I didn't know, then back at my date's apartment, I gallivanted around his kitchen while eating Doritos and Oatmeal Cream Pies and sending many ridiculous text messages all while he was passed out in his bed in all his clothes.

The next morning afternoon, I was reminded of my shenanigans when I looked at my phone to check the time and found the smeary remnants of my drunken Oatmeal Cream Pie binge all over it. When I finally got my legs to work and decided to head home to die in my own bed, I was also reminded of how much champagne I drank the night before by puking in the bushes outside of the apartment. Classy, oh yes, but hey it was New Year's Eve and 2010 was pretty damn good to me.

I wrapped up R, R & I with a bowling, dive bar, hot tub combo night followed by dodging a 5 a.m. indecent and unexpected
proposal by a falling over drunk acquaintance. No further details need to be divulged on that...

Many normal things also happened during my winter break as well such as family togetherness, movies, reading, sitting on my ass etc., but who the hell wants to hear about that?

However, leaving KC again after that long vaca was bittersweet just like it was in August. While I'm still conflicted with this whole leaving home thing, I realized how many ghosts I have in Kansas City — good, bad and indifferent — so it's probably good for me to be away for a while living out a little piece of my dreams.

Just as I was transforming from a drunken college student back into a good time business gal to prepare for semester number 2 when I got back to Denver, something shook me out of my relaxed-and-ready-to-start-school-again state. I learned that there was some kind of glitch in the financial aid office and my loans that pay for my tuition, books and a portion of my living expenses were going to be two weeks late. All plans to purchase anything came to a screeching halt. I had budgeted pretty well, stretching last semester's funds into the new year until I was scheduled to receive my next round of aid, however I did not factor in a two fucking week delay. Nobody does...which makes me wonder how others on F.A. who do not have parents to help them, like mine, are eating right now...no joke. My sad, depleted bank account made an old fear that I had buried deep in the back of my brain resurface — debt, evil debt.

It really is the biggest bitch in the world. With student loans, you're damned if you don't (the situation I'm in now) and you're damned if you do (the situation I'll be in, but am already worrying about, in a year and a half). Despite constantly struggling, I've managed to avoid credit cards, the urge to keep up with the Joneses and overdraft fees for many years now. Everybody I know has debt except for me — until now, that is. I'm suddenly relying on shitloads of borrowed money and it's kind of making me psychotic...more so than usual.

We rack up this kind of debt on this kind of education because it most likely guarantees to land you a job that will allow you to pay it back before you're 75 and without having to live in a box while doing so, right? RIGHT?! Of course that guarantee would be a lot more solid if I didn't have to actually like my job and have a career that makes a difference. DAMN! Curse me for not simply being a money grubbing whore...

What if all those rain dances I've been doing to make 2012 have the most prosperous job market ever in history don't work? Shit! I was really counting on those.

So many others have done it before me, so I know it can be done, however I fear that I will be really bad at it. Somebody please teach me how to be in debt...preferably before my head explodes.


Logical Libby said...

My husband tells a story about being in grad school and eating nothing but ketchup mixed with hot water and crackers for a week before his FA check arrived.

We have friends who always think he's joking...

nova said...

STUDENT LOANS ARE THE WORST THING EVER. Every semester was the same thing...apply, bureaucracy out the wazoo, waiting waiting waiting, like three weeks of living like a king, running out of money early due to bad budgeting, reset.

And now that I'm done school? $600 minimum per month for...ten years. What the hell, man?

Organic Meatbag said...

You are a national treasure, my dear....


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