As my eyes welled with tears and all my internal organs wrenched simultaneously in protest at the thought of starting another year of non stop exams, group projects, late nights, breakdowns, lectures and overbearing, relentless stress of all of that combined with personal problems...I stopped and thought, I'm in the home stretch. I have eight classes and basically eight months of school until I graduate with two Master's degrees in Marketing and Management. In the grand scheme of life that's nothing...I just have to make it to May.
Let me break it down for you: Graduate school sucks balls...big, gross, sweaty, dangly old man balls. Well, let's be more specific if you can handle it - graduate business school sucks balls. There's a huge difference between getting a Master's in home economics and getting one in business. This process has been the single most difficult thing I've ever done in my life and I love it when people say, "Oh I went to grad school and it wasn't that hard. You bitch a lot." And then I find out they got a Master's in ass wiping, online, in nine months and I go, "oh yeah, oh that's nice...go fuck yourself."
Nobody told me it was going to suck this bad. I remember fairly early on in the process my dad called and asked how it was going and I was all, "Yeah, it sucks...a lot. I hate it." And he was all, "Oh yeah, I hated grad school too. It really sucked." Then I was all, "WHAT?!" I don't regret my decision as a lot of good things have come from it already, but I'll admit, I had absolutely no goddamn clue what I was getting myself into.
I'm not saying it's over in May, I'm just saying that first and probably hardest hurdle that I have to clear for a career change will be over. So, I thought I'd document the home stretch in a series on my blog called, "Makin' it to May." My goal is write at least once a week or more if I'm feeling really compelled, a.k.a. pissed off, inspired or otherwise not completely in shambles, crying on the bathroom floor, about this journey. It's a good way to keep writing when I don't feel like I have the time, patience or sanity to keep it together.
Another rule: No playing nicey, nice...I don't do that and just because some of these things might be business related and professors and everyone else jumps down our throats about being PC and non offensive on Facebook and blogs and anything else that might pop up, I'm not doing that. It's not who I am. Sometimes I say fuck and I think just about everybody else does too. Get over it. That doesn't mean I'm going to say it to a client. Sometimes I make weird faces when people take pictures of me. It's fun and I like it. If you don't hire me because I'm fake picking my nose in a picture on Facebook, that's pathetic and I'd rather work for somebody that has a sense of humor anyway. Business school demands that you differentiate yourself from the crowd, yet wants us to hide who we really are. I don't think so. How about I differentiate myself by never being fake...tactful, but not fake...and never having a stick up my ass, so I can better relate to other people? There we go.
This is how I will keep myself sane throughout year two of gradate business school, the monster that has taken over my life and I intend to do it uncensored...if there's no outlet for frustration, then it becomes resentment — a much worse trait to have than an off-the-wall personality...
As my year mark in Denver quickly approaches, I think about all the firsts I've had here — first time being away from my family and home, taking public transportation, navigating a strange city, visiting New York, traveling and studying abroad (China)...and so many more that I'm not thinking of. I'll have to have a separate entry for all of them. A year ago, I had no job and now I have three. THREE! I'm a marketing intern, which started for school credit and will hopefully evolve into something more; a freelance writer for a realtor and back to my old digs as a manager at a doggie daycare - the same company I used to work for in Kansas. The trick will be to juggle all of these once school starts again...I fear I might explode first.
Denver is alive and there's so many things to do. I really have come to love it here, but I'm finding it surprisingly difficult to make friends. I sound like that loser-y, dorky kid with braces and taped glasses right now, but seriously. People are just busy or preoccupied or maybe it's just me. I'd love to have some really good girlfriends here, but I guess that's just something that becomes increasingly more difficult as you get older. People have husbands and children, work, school and some people are just flat out shitty. I've always felt like I was one of those people that didn't want to exclude anybody, took the new person into a group and made them feel welcome - unless they were really annoying. ; ) But, Denver and many of the people I've met haven't been so welcoming to me, the new girl, in this sense. I have several people that I know - acquaintances, friends - I guess, but none that I have that closeness with — at least not yet. After a year of calling and realizing it's often like pulling teeth to get some people to do anything and then never getting a phone call in return, I'm exhausted. One sided things just don't work and my first experience away from my many great friends in Kansas City hasn't always been a pleasant one. It's something I'm struggling with and while I'm trying to come to terms with and accept all the reasons why it's so hard, I'm still hoping it improves.
One thing that is going well that typically does not is my dating life. I actually met the big, bearded Patrick back in October when I was dating the typical raging douchebag that I usually date, then one of my friends from school reintroduced us in January. Six months later he's still here laughing when I burp so loud the walls shake and my Tourette's make me say the most out of context, strange things. I'm not sure why he's stuck around through the shitstorm that is "Makin' it to May," but I'd say he's definitely been a positive and all around good thing in my life.
I still miss home, I still miss my family, friends and the city that will always be my true home, but I've definitely found a pretty happy place here.
Stay tuned...you never know when the monster might change that perspective completely.